Don't You Forget About Me....Seriously, don't. Please.

Molly Ringwald has become the latest Hollywood star to take up running to stay fit and noticed. The ever increasing cost for actors to pay publicist to be constantly seen in the public eye has caused many extinguished stars to do their own publicity. Recent supporters of this form of "do it yourself or no one will ever remember you again" publicity include: Judd Nelson, the guy who played Styles in "Teen Wolf" and Steve Kemetko.

The "Townies" star, 42, admits she never imagined she'd become one of those forgotten celebrities lacing up running shoes - and she's surprised she has the stamina for it.
She tells the unread Bust magazine, "I couldn't get Duckie (Jon Cryer) to return my calls to ask him to set me up with his publicist, so I took up running this past year. It's great! I put a sign on my back with my head shot and phone number and the rest is easy street. I'm also at an advantage because I have red hair and red hair is more of an eye catcher than brown or blond. So I've got that going for me."

Heads up!

Fading star Ben Affleck was forced to pull out of a poker tournament earlier this week because he was suffering from an agonizing migraine due to the size of his massive head. Doctors have reported that Affleck's head is 3 1/2 inches larger than the average size cranium. Doctors continue to report that even though Affleck's head is freakishly larger than the average person's head, in no way does that make him smarter or even the least bit capable of producing a clear coherent thought.

Famous Oscar winning screenwriter William Goldman says, "You should have seen the original script that was given to me for 'Good Will Hunting'. The script consisted of a bunch of cocktail napkins folded together with a binder clip. I could make out a few words such as Boston and apples, the rest was illegible. Oh, there was also a stick figure drawing on napkin three that had a giant head, which I assumed was Ben, and it was farting on a frog. I assumed the frog was Matt but at that point it just didn't matter. The studio paid me a ton of money to write an Oscar winning screenplay and not put my name on it and that's exactly what I did. Thank you."

The "Paycheck" star was due to compete at the World Series of Poker 'Ante Up for Africa' event but he had to scrap his entry after learning his head can't stop growing. Affleck has said to be seen renting the movie 'Mask', reports the useless New York Post gossip column PageSix.

Affleck also tells the horrible publication, "This is the one poker event I go to each year, and I didn't even get to play. My wife (Jennifer Gardner) flew in just to see it and boy are her ears tired! I'm just kidding but she does have Dumbo ears."

He wasn't the only box office poison celebrity taking part in the event - "American Pie" actress Shannon Elizabeth came second in the tournament right behind an unused deck of cards.

Kilmer knows how to throw his weight around

Once great actor Val Kilmer has publicly apologized to his New Mexico neighbors for critical remarks he has made about the state and its lack of buffet restaurants in past interviews.

The "Red Planet" star accepted an offer from San Miguel County officials to explain himself and attended a commission meeting, where he attempted to break the world record for most milk shakes consumed in a single sitting and make amends for sleights about New Mexicans. He explained he understood why locals would be upset when they "hear negative things about a place you love and their lack of buffet restaurants".

After hearing his comments, the officials became very hungry and granted the actor permission to rent out guest houses to little people on his estate near Santa Fe. Kilmer's "Willow" co-star, Warwick Davis, is said to be his first visitor. Kilmer said, "They wanted me to start out small. Well, you can't get smaller than Warwick Davis. Well, actually I would have had that thing who played Mini Me but he couldn't afford a one night stay."

But some neighbors, led by civil rights activist Abran Tapia, are not satisfied with Kilmer's apology because his mouth was full of fried cheese when he spoke and he didn't address charges he's an alleged racist trying to chase Latinos off his land. Abaran said, "We saw how Mr. Kilmer treated the Native Americans in the movie 'Thunderheart', so we pretty much believe that he hates Latinos too. That's all we have to go on at the moment."

And Tapia insists someone needs to continue speaking up for the zero people that were offended by remarks Kilmer made in a 2003 Rolling Stone article, where he was quoted as saying that he lives in the "homicide capital of the Southwest" and he keeps a Batman "utility belt" his vehicle at all times for protection. Kilmer added, "Eighty per cent of the people in my county are drunk. Which makes it hard for me to comprehend why there is such a lack of buffet restaurants in my county. Drunkenness leads to hunger. Hunger leads to a buffet restaurant. It just makes sense!"

The name is Stamos

John Stamos has confirmed his hair is just as luxurious as it was 25 years ago and he's been offered a role in the overrated TV show "Glee". He's already started training for a musical performance with voice coach David Coulier. Stamos says, "Everything has been going great! David has taught me to sing in a Donald Duck voice, a Popeye voice and a Scooby Doo voice, all of which are completely useless. I just don't have the heart to fire him. I might make my hair fire him."

The former "The Two Mr. Kissels" star will play a singing and dancing dentist when he joins the cast, and admits he's working hard to make sure he's fully prepared when his turn in the "Glee" spotlight finally comes. Stamos says, "Hey, if it works out great. If it doesn't, I don't care. I have 'Full House' money. I don't' have to do anything ever again. Do you understand that? I made so much money off that stupid show I don't have to get out of bed in the morning. Why do I get out of bed in the morning? Well, that's easy--my hair makes me get up. The shimmer and shine needs to be seen by the public every day or my hair gets mad at me." Stamos then lowered his voice and said, "You don't want to upset the hair."

He tells the unwatchable E! News, "I'm at the gym right now working out and Jerry O'Connell is spotting me. My ex-wife, Rebecca Romijin Stamos O'Connell Romijin Stamos O'Connell, is counting off my reps. It's a creepy family affair. I'm singing and dancing every day. All day. I can't stop! Did you know I sang and played with the Beach Boys? I am that good." A representative for the Beach Boys has released a statement in regards to John Stamos' comment, "Mr. Stamos needs to stop this. The Beach Boys didn't even realize Mr. Stamos was in the 'Kokomo' video. Apparently Mr. Stamos was on vacation, sneeked on to the video set and started to play the congas in a ridiculous fashion. The band has never met Mr. Stamos and they never intentionally played music with Mr. Stamos. They would like Mr. Stamos and his beautiful hair to stay as far away as possible. Thank you." Stamos was recently seen renting a copy of the film "Cocktail". More details to follow...

The Penn is mightier than...Mother Nature?

Sean Penn is calling on Mother Nature for more natural disasters. In a continuous effort, the hideous Penn wants to take his fictitious big screen personas and put them in real life situations on the small screen. Penn said, "I know the truth behind Mother Nature and I won't rest until she's exposed. We all know she's a right wing bible thumping racist and she's in bed with all the lobbyists." Penn is also demanding better medical supplies at hospitals in Haiti to help the earthquake-ravaged nation cope with the upcoming hurricane season next month.

The "Shanghai Surprise" star has been instrumental in annoying more people off screen than entertaining them on screen. He wants to ensure that many of the devastated nation's people receive aid and his formula hair dye following the tremor which killed hundreds of thousands of citizens in January.

Penn missed the unveiling of his new movie "Fair Game", a remake of the brilliant film starring William Baldwin and Cindy Crawford, at the Cannes Film Festival in France on Thursday to testify at a U.S. Senate committee about the problems in the country.

During the meeting on Wednesday, Penn smoked cigarettes and insisted health care in Haiti needs "immediate attention" and that "Fair Game with William Baldwin and Cindy Crawford was a damn good movie and the story needed to be told again". Penn then continued to be mad for no reason what so ever and then said that several hospitals have been closed down - and he fears the nation will be overrun with emergencies once hurricane season begins and he won't be able to fight the hurricanes himself. He then pleaded with congress to pass the Anti-Mother Nature Bill, which he created, so we can expose the hidden agenda of "Ms. Mother Nature".

He adds, "In many cases, the bureaucracy of international aid is protecting people to death. I come here today as a highly paid movie actor that pretends in front of a camera in the hope that we will address with bold clarity the razor's edge upon which Haiti lies." Penn continued to say, "I also think I might want to remake the classic Bill Murray film 'The Razor's Edge'....It just needs to be told again."

In Living Carrey

Jim Carrey is putting his split from Prozac and Zoloft, as well as from Jenny McCarthy behind him-- literally. He was spotted putting the pills and a picture of McCarthy in his back pocket when enjoying a night out with a mystery blond in New York over the weekend.

The extremely annoying couple, who had been together for five years too long and had an embarrassing commitment ceremony last year, announced they were parting ways via their Twitter.com pages, which shows how important the relationship actually was. The reason they used Twitter to announce this earth shattering news was because it cuts down on the pointless cost of having a publicist make the announcement. Carrey's tweet said, "Jen and I have broken up." His next tweet read, "What's with the express lane at supermarkets?" Sources close to Carrey say he is truly broken up about the stupid relationship.

But it seems Carrey, his fifth, tenth and twenty third personality are moving on from the break-up - the funnyman was reportedly seen flirting with an unknown woman at the city's Pacha hotspot in the early hours of Sunday morning. The woman turned out to be Jim Carrey himself. An on-looker said, "He is just so talented. I mean the guy was flirting and trying to get it on with himself. He's just so versatile. The way he went from being a man to an attractive woman is just so..... I mean the guy can do anything!"

A source tells the overrated New York Post gossip column Page Six, "He arrived at 3am with an entourage of at least 10 women, two of the women were actually Carrey himself! Once in the VIP area, he turned his attention to a pretty blond, who looked a lot like Jenny and talked endlessly about autistic kids."

"Things were getting so hot and heavy, someone shouted, 'Get a room.' Jim just burst out laughing and started doing impressions of himself. He then recreated a scene from the film 'The Majestic' where he played both himself and Martin Landau. How he was able to recreate Martin Landau's wig is beyond me. I mean the guy is just so amazingly talented!"

Money for nothing and Baldwin for free: Baldwin in Dire Straits

A Christian group with nothing else to do has come to save the world and to the aid of bankrupt actor Stephen Baldwin - a website has been set up to allow fans to donate objects made out of money but not actually money itself. Baldwin says, "A chair made out of nickels and dimes? What the hell am I supposed to do with this?".

The born-again Christian filed for bankruptcy last year after he racked up more than $2.3 million worth of debt, stemming from several mortgages, tax bills, credit card accounts and the monstrous cost of rebuilding and replicating the set from "Bio-Dome" in his backyard. Baldwin had to shut down the rebuilding of the "Bio-Dome" set and had to send the the construction crew home. Pauly Shore is now currently looking for work.

Now a new website, Restorestephenbaldwin.org, was originally called Helpthegoofiestlookingbaldwin.org but was changed because William Baldwin's fan club website already had the name. The site was set up with permission from Daniel Southern who is the President of Baldwin's ministries and also happens to be his agent, dry cleaner, dog walker and hair stylist.

A statement from the website states, "He has been publicly ridiculed and insulted by people who think that he is a bad actor, which is quite frankly true, and that he has been abandoned by God. A simple search through the internet will reveal that people not only mock Stephen, but mock God. That simple search can also produce pictures of Stephen with God at a baseball game and a craft show." The site continues to say, "Our vision is to see Stephen Baldwin play Barney Rubble again in a new Flintstones movie."

In a last ditch attempt to avoid bankruptcy, Stephen Baldwin asked his brother, Alec, to eat up his debt. Alec said, "If you put gravy on it, I'll give it a go."

Kids in the Gyllenhaal

Overrated hambone Jake Gyllenhaal re-evaluated his blessed life following the icebox cover-up relationship with Kirsten Dunst and the death of fellow pretender in front of a camera, Heath Ledger - because the star realized he had become too focused on his abs and his career.

The lifeless actor was devastated when he found out the only reason he got acting jobs was because of his show business parents and when his "Brokeback Mountain" co-star died from an accidental drug overdose in January 2008.

The loss prompted Gyllenhaal to address his own mind bending issues - and he credits Ledger's passing with giving him the courage to make real changes. Gyllenhaal says, "Thank god that dude died. If he didn't die then I would would have continued to churn out vapid performances in movies that make no money. Well, I've actually continued to do that but if it wasn't for that guy dropping dead then I would have never thought about changing at some point down the road in the very far off future. I am so happy that guy died."

He tells the dormant GQ magazine, "Life, I didn't totally understand. And I think I was afraid of life. And I had success in my work, enough success that you could keep going back there.
But after that guy I did a movie with who stopped breathing... I think I recognized that it was work. And I recognized that this is for real." The editors at GQ magazine still don't know what Gyllenhaal was talking about. They replayed this quote over and over again to decipher the brainless words that exited his mouth. The quote was then sent to the Guinness Book of World Records for examination. After months of examination were complete, The Guinness Book of World Records has now officially labeled Gyllenhaal's quote as "The Stupidest Thing Ever Said".

Kirstie can only fit in a Alley

Xenu worshipping actress Kirstie Alley refuses to go under the knife to preserve her looks; instead she has opted to be cryogentically frozen in butter when she dies because she is convinced her wrinkles will help her land more movie roles and rolls.


The former "Madhouse" star, 59, insists she is content with her fleshy features and would never consider eating less than 22 meals a day and undergoing plastic surgery, especially as more and more actresses turn to the surgeon's knife to stay young in the industry. Kirstie says, "The only thing I will let a surgeon cut for me is my Wendy's Triple Stack."


She says, "I'm not a surgery girl, I'm a hungry girl and I haven't had plastic surgery but I have eaten plastic that required surgery to remove from my stomach. I don't wanna have plastic surgery but it's hard when you see your peers and things and they have. I go back-fat and forth and think, 'Who's gonna play grandmothers in movies?' Well that's easy, people like Shirley McClaine or Helen Mirren can. The real question is, 'Who's gonna play really fat grandmothers in movies?' You gotta be 100 to be a grandmother in a movie but you gotta be 350 pounds to be a fat grandmother! So maybe it just gives our group (actresses without surgery and huge amounts of blubber) more longevity to be filming." Kirstie is now working on a sequel to her 1984 film "Runaway". The film is tentatively called "Rollaway".

I Grant Thee...Naughty

British, or should I say "brutish",actor Hugh Grant ended a glitzy glamours party in fancy London with a delightfully dainty food fight after allegedly becoming embroiled in a delicate fragile fuss with his former PR manager.

The tender star was attending an all night tea party at the exclusive nightspot Annabel's on Wednesday night when his former representative, PR guru Matthew Freud, overheard the one note actor allegedly making a disparaging comment about his cuff links and how they were "so last year" and that "the color combination on the cuff links is just a bloody no-no."

Freud reportedly retaliated by tossing a delightful chocolate cup cake at Grant, smearing the sweet treat all over the star's white Gucci shirt, according to unheard of Britain's Evening Standard newspaper. Freud did aimed for the shirt intentionally because he knows Grant hates dry cleaning white shirts on the weekend. Freud was over heard saying, "Hugh thinks doing laundry is gross. That will teach him!"

Grant then feebly tossed a drink like a little girl in his former associate's direction, but missed. Grant was quoted saying, "Matthew was lucky that drink missed him. I was using my strong arm. How's my hair look?"

Freud is said to have left the party in a big huff with his arms crossed sporting a big frown, while Grant was given a clean shirt to change into by venue staff and carried on with the festivities, partying with stars including Garrett Morris, Alf and Pauly Shore.

Great in the Cu-sack

In world stopping news-the pretentious John Cusack is said to be using the Sherwin Williams Color Visualizer to perfect the best black paint to dye his hair transplants and to be dating Bruce Willis' former fiancee, "Baywatch" non-star Brooke Burns. This is a slap on the bald head to Bruce Willis, say friends of the faded movie star. "Not only is John Cusak dating his old fiancee but he is dyeing fake hair that Bruce wish he had."

The "Hot Pursuit" actor has been romancing the 31-year-old beauty since the beginning of the year, reports the completely useless Life & Style magazine. The magazine poses the question, "Why would John Cusack have to 'romance' Brooke Burns?" I mean Peter O'Toole could land this chick just by buying her a Happy Meal from McDonalds.

A groundless source tells the publication, “They’ve been going out seriously for more than a month; they're way past second base. She’s super sweet and definitely has a type - she dates older men with a ton of money and have major hair issues.”

The 43-year-old actor has never smiled in public or wed, while Burns was previously married to "Nip/Tuck" star Julian McMahon and his waxed eyebrows, the father of her nine-year-old daughter. After their 2001 divorce, she set her sights on old men looking for a good time. She was then engaged to Willis, but the pair called off the engagement in 2004.

John Cusack released a rare statement about the relationship. He said, "This relationship won't last past 2012. Not only will the world end but so will this relationship." It has been reported that Cusack's agent has tried time and time again to explain to the actor that "2012" was a movie he acted in and not real life.

A Ford Recall

Old man Harrison Ford loathes everybody and everything, including his celebrity status - because Hollywood has cost him his "privacy". Ford says, "Privacy is everything to a man that willingly puts his face on forty foot screens for the general public to watch and has made hundreds of millions of dollars from doing such a thing. Why can't people, dogs, birds, fish, the sun and air just leave me alone!" Ford then continued to throw random punches in the air at nothing.

The 67 year old going on 300 years old has enjoyed a career spanning more than 40 years, and starred in blockbusters including "Regarding Henry", "Hollywood Homicide" and "Firewall".

But Ford, who is engaged to Calista Flockhart, hates being unable to escape the attention of the press and fans asking why on earth he would be with Calista Flockhart. Ford explains, "Listen, opposites attract. I like to eat and she doesn't. I am old and she is....not as old. And finally, I like to drink. A lot. So, I hope that clears up why I am with this woman!"

He continues to mumble, "There's nothing good about being famous. You always think, 'If I'm successful, then I'll have opportunities like being with beautiful women. I mean look what I have had and who I am with. It doesn't work. You also never figure the cost of fame will be a total loss of privacy. That's incalculable. Such as my 20% of the gross from 'K19-The Widowmaker'."

Ford continues to ramble, "Fame was unanticipated and I've never enjoyed it. You can get the table you want in a restaurant, where I will eat and Calista will watch. It gets you doctor's appointments to fill in my missing hair. But what's that worth? Nothing. Well, except the hundreds of millions of dollars I have made. But what's that really worth? Well, I guess it's worth hundreds of millions of dollars. Just forget it, OK!"

However, Ford admits there are some benefits to finding fame in the movie industry: "I'm in it for the money and the booze. And I mean that in the nicest way possible. This is my job. Where am I again?" Ford then stumbled away from the interview yelling, "I was a carpenter! Just a simple carpenter! I am Jesus Christ!"

The Nielsen Ratings

Brigitte Nielsen boasts an D-list career and A-list fan base. R&Battered beauty Rihanna has hailed the Danish actress as a style icon and someone she would hire to put the beat down on Chris Brown.

The model-turned-never a movie star was stunned at the recent People's Choice Awards in Los Angeles because they actually let her in and when the "Umbrella" hitmaker ran up to her and began showering her in compliments.

Nielsen is delighted to have influenced the young stars of today. She says, "When I was filming 'Red Sonia', producer Dino DeLaurentiis' daughter would visit the set with her huge head, stubby sausage fingers, cock nose and horribly annoying toothy smile. I told her to forget about your looks because you will always be unattractive and annoying. Instead, rely on the money from your movie producer father then marry a rich man with no personality and everything will work out. She now has a show on the Food Network and has a house on the beach. I'm just glad I could help."

She tells unheard of Dansk magazine, "At the People’s Choice Awards, Rihanna came up to me and said: ‘Brigitte, can I just be you for one day?’
"I’m like, start off bleaching that hair, girl! Then sleep with the following people in order- action star Arnold Schwarzenegger, action star Sylvester Stallone, action director Tony Scott, Football star Mark Gastineau and then Orland Bloom's cousin, Sebastian Copeland. Rihanna then asked if that was it. I said no, then sleep with a failed Rap star, anyone of your choosing, and then you can be me for day." Brigitte continued to say, "I’m very proud of what I’ve accomplished. Which is absolutely nothing."

Well, I'll be Van Dammed

Washed up movie tough-guy and Jeff Speakman wannabe, Jean-Claude Van Damme is planning to step back into the ring for a new reality TV show. This is not the first time Van Damme has ventured into reality TV. His previous efforts were, "Van and Van", a show that followed Van Damme as a roadie/groupie on Van Morrison's North American tour, and "Van Damme: A Head Bump Above the Rest", a show that co-starred his forehead bump. Just like the bump, no one ever knew what the show was about.

The "Cyborg" star, 49, turned his back on all his future children and fighting when he broke into movies in the 1980s. Early in his career Van Damme moved to L.A and roomed with Don "The Dragon" Wilson. That is where the famous "do the splits then groin punch" was invented. Van Damme said, "Those days were great. We were just two bachelors, who happen to be martial art experts, living together in a studio apartment drinking beer, working on our abs and figuring out new ways to crush groins. If we only had a camera on us." Van Damme continued, "Wait! That gives me an idea. I'll be right back!"

In Van Damme's new reality show he's agreed to a bout with Thai kick boxer Somluck Kamsing - and camera crews will be following his every alimony payment and move leading up to the event.

Van Damme says, "It's kind of dangerous, but life is short." Van Damme then proceeded to do the splits and punch his assistant in the groin. Van Damme continued to say, "That's what life is all about.......can I borrow some money?"

9021..Uh O!!!!!

In a shocking and horrible announcement, unbearable actor Rob Estes is following in his 90210 co-star Jennie Garth's footsteps by announcing he's finally attending acting classes with her and he's quitting the show.

The stiff actor, who plays Lori Loughlin's onscreen husband in the Beverly Hills, 90210 spin-off, says he can not play Lori Loughlin's husband anymore. Estes says, "How can I play the role of Lori Laoughlin's husband when that was perfected well over 15 years ago by a little actor named John Stamos! I do not possess the talent nor the hair volume as Mr. Stamos, therefore I am not returning to the show next season! Now I would appreciate if you would leave me and my god damn family alone during this trying time."

On Estes' twitter page he wrote, "Im standn line at the suprmarkt....exprss lane my ass!" He continued to tweet, "chk out Stamos in the tv movie How to Marry a Billionaire: A X-Mas Tale! He rocks!"

A representative for the fake TV network CW insists Estes' departure will be horribly explained in an upcoming convoluted storyline: "He's an actor of sorts and we couldn't have asked for anyone better, except for John Stamos. But if fans tune in, they'll understand why Rob's character is leaving. Or they won't. Either way, I don't care."

The horrifying announcement comes just days after his co-star Garth decided to quit watching old 90210 episodes on VHS tapes labeled "back in the day" to spend time with her three daughters that will most likely grow up and go to the same high school where she pretended to go to while acting in the show 90210. Man...life is just crazy.

Jack and the Butter Stalk

One note actor Jack McBrayer dreads the day Alec Baldwin leaves 30 Rock - because he's convinced the hit show will not only fail without him but the decline in quality at the craft services table will be dreadful too. McBrayer says, "Misssster Baldwin demandssss only the bessst food at all timesss."

Fans have speculated that Baldwin has actually eaten Kim Basinger, due to her lack public appearances, and won't renew his contract for the series when his option comes up in 2012 - but his co-star is praying he carries on in the role. McBrayer says, "Lissssten, I can only play one type of roll. If thissss show endsss I will have to beg Tina Fey to get me more jobsss. I'm really bi-curious to see what happens."

McBrayer continues to say, "If he leaves, I don't think Missster Baldwin will find another great juiccccy role like Jack Donaghy. He also won't be able to find another great buttery role like we have at our craft services table." Tina Fey commented on this story with a smug smirk.

Strokes of Genius

Gary Coleman has been released from a Los Angeles hospital after suffering from a lack of publicity and a slight seizure, according to the actor's travel agent. Coleman could not land an entertainment agent.

On Wednesday, the "Diff'rent Strokes" star was taken to the Failed Child Actors Clinic along with Michael Oliver who played Junior in the "Problem Child" movies. At 8:03 am local time after running lines from their cleverly written un-produced screenplay, "Different Child and Problem Strokes", Coleman went home to the Extended Stay Inn, where he lives. It was there he started to faint and vomit.

According to his travel agent, Robert Malcolm, Coleman was released on Wednesday night with a possible lay over in Sacramento.

Coleman, 41, has since returned to his day job as an impersonator of famed character actor Gary Cole. Coleman says, "The names are so close clients don't even catch it while we're on the phone. When I show up to the gig it's too late for them to cancel because I have a no refund policy. I can make a $1,000! Well, that's if I can bum a ride off someone. Pretty good huh?".

Coleman's travel agent, Robert Malcolm, has insisted the medical emergency was not life threatening and that Apple Vacations is running a great deal on weekend getaways to Cabo San Lucas.