Big Bang, Tiny Stars

Crazy couples night out! Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony and Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher joined weightless Posh Spice Victoria Beckham at the glitzy party Prince threw after the Golden Globe Awards on Monday night. Prince had a "short" list of stars allowed into the party. Tom Cruise and Marc Anthony were at the top of the short list. "The Littles" superstar, who claimed the Best Song prize for his Happy Feet tune "The Song Of The Heart," performed at the Forbes Penthouse inside the Beverly Wilshire Four Seasons hotel. Price said it was a great opportunity to write a song for something or someone he can stand eye to eye with. Even Justin Timberlake attended the party, who just early had mocked the pint-sized singer while accepting the award for him by walking on his knees, drawing on thin creepy facial hair, sucking in his cheeks, powdering his face to a corpse-like perfection and cutting off his balls for a perfect Prince impersonation. When asked why he would go as far as cutting off his balls for the Prince impersonation Timberlake said, "I was going for realism. I want to be an actor. And for the record I did not cut off my balls, Cameron Diaz did it for me." The impersonation did not bother Prince but his doves did cry. Other stars were spotted at the lavish party included Penelope Cruz, who spent 25 minutes asking for a new glass because no one could understand her and every time she spoke the new glass would break. Lindsay Lohan managed to bang three bus boys while smoking two packs of cigarettes. Leonardo DiCaprio managed to bang Lindsay Lohan in between each bus boy while typing on his blackberry. Chris Rock's fake front teeth fell out when chewing on some mini Prince appetizers. Drew Barrymore was seen scouring the party for another failed relationship. Sienna Miller cried outside the party entrance because she was told the party was for real accomplished stars and would not be let in. Jamie Foxx, once again, could not stop being Ray Charles and insisted on singing to everyone in the party with his below mediocre voice. The party continued well into the night with Tom Cruise and Leah Remini handing out Scientology pamphlets. Beckham also fueled rumors she's planning on eating and starting a clothing line with Lopez when she left the glitzy bash with the singer/actress....oh, and her husband. I forgot his name already.

"The Buck stops here!--At Old Country Buffet"

The thought to be dead TV's "Buck Rogers", Gil Gerard, has not heard from an agent in 15 years and has shed 140 pounds after undergoing gastric-bypass surgery. The heavyweight former TV hunk, whose former wife Connie Sellecca married, TV's blond Herman Munster, John Tesh, weighed in at a whopping 350 pounds when doctors told him he was either morbidly obese or the long lost son of "Jake and the Fatman" star William Conrad, who oddly enough was the narrator on "Buck Rogers". The doctors in the end ruled out the latter and suggested surgery to help him lose weight fast. The 66-year-old actor, who played Rogers on TV from 1979 to 1981, agreed to let the extremely low rated Discovery Health cable channel cameras follow his operations and subsequent progress. Not only was this the "biggest roll" Gerard has had in years but the documented surgery proved to be the most shocking ever caught on tape. Two hours into the surgery doctors pulled out two enormous masses from Gerard's stomach. After analyzing, one mass appeared to be Gary Coleman and the other to be the costume for Twiki, both costars on episodes of "Buck Rogers". In response to the doctor's findings Gerard said, "I honestly thought that Twiki was on of those chocolates wrapped in tin foil and as for Gary Coleman, I honestly thought no one would notice. After winning his battle with the bulge in just seven months, the actor says, "I don't miss that guy, I really don't." Just after that statement Gerard was seen eating a Quad Stacker from Burger King. Out of nowhere, Pal Bill Clinton joined Gerard for part of the Discovery special. Clinton's scenes were subsequently deleted from the program because Clinton thought that he and Gerard were going to watch doctors implant triple DD breast implants into strippers. Clinton was caught on tape saying to Gerard, "Listen buddy, I have to witness at my wife's face lifts. I can't imagine looking at your fat belly get cut open. My advice is have a couple heart attacks. It helped me lose weight."

Indiana Jones and The Social Security Check

The much anti-climatic fourth Indiana Jones installment will be filmed this year to coincide with Harrison Ford's record breaking 100th birthday, sub par writer/producer/billionaire George Lucas confirms. The filmmaker promises the sequel will be the most exciting chapter to date after finalizing the script with director Steven Spielberg via personal assistants. The script will be enhanced by many of the brilliant motifs that are in all Lucas and Spielberg productions. Story lines such as: Indiana Jones will befriend a small Egyptian boy that will remind him of his once faded youth, the Holocaust will be brought up somewhere in the movie, the movie's storyline will be a rehash of some medieval storyline, and finally Indiana Jones will stumble upon a town inhabited by hairy dwarfs that sell cute little dolls of themselves and make Indiana a billionaire. He says, "It's going to be fantastic. It's going to be the best one yet." George Lucas concluded his press conference, that was held on top of a hill at his Skywalker Ranch, by strapping on a jet pack. The jet pack didn't work so Lucas ran down the hill and into the pasture only to be picked up by a golf cart that was in the shape of Lucas's beard. From a megaphone he added the film will be a "character piece" and see Harrison Ford reprise his role as the titular hero. Ford played Indiana Jones in 1981's Raiders Of The Lost Ark, 1984's Indiana Jones and the Temple Of Doom and 1989's Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, which also featured Sean Connery. To this day, Sean Connery didn't know that he was in that movie. The always happy and smiling Harrison Ford, who has absolutely refused to be in a decent movie in the past 15 years that could actually make money for producers besides himself, delivered a statement via helicopter. The statement read, "I don't care." In other news, Calista Flockhart is raving about the new diet she has created. The diet consists of eating one $1000 bill from Harrison Ford's fortune seven times a day. Calista says, "If you want to have your shoulder blades bigger than your breasts, than this diet is for you."