It's just one big misunderstanding, right?"

The always extremely sweaty and hairy actor Daniel Baldwin has passed 20 drug tests proving he has been sober for 92 days, a Californian court heard Thursday. The court in turn told Daniel that only one actual drug test was necessary and that the 19 other tests he designed on his own, which consisted of standing long jumps, defeating Mike Tyson in Nintentodo's "Mike Tyson's Punch Out", blowing bubbles with chewing gum and taking the ACT, were deemed useless and insane. Daniel had no response except taking a deep breath and then holding it in until his lips turned blue. The 46-year-old was arrested on charges of having a cocaine ingesting device on his person which turned out to be a big green spiral straw that was a free gift from Daniel's favorite cereal Cocoa Puffs. He was also found to be under the influence of several substances, but none of which could be identified because of the exuberant amount of cocoa, from Daniel's favorite cereal Cocoa Puffs, that diluted every examined sample. At a progress report hearing at Los Angeles Superior Court, Baldwin's lawyer Grant Hoagland told Judge Scott Millington his client completed a program earlier this week and is now attending an other program. When Judge Scott Millington found out that Daniel only watched one episode of "Family Ties" and was currently watching an episode of "Charles in Charge", Hoagland said, "Oh. You want him to complete drug programs? I get it now." On Tuesday, and in a separate case, Baldwin pleaded not guilty to charges of unlawfully taking a car and receiving stolen property. Daniel claimed he borrowed the vehicle from a friend but just forgot to tell him.

Married with Alien Children

Possible stroke victim Katie Holmes definitely has disappointed her parents by wanting more children with husband Tom Cruise after having such an easy and unpublicized pregnancy with her daughter, Suri. The already 28-year-old washed up actress wants to prove she and her husband have super powers. Following in the footsteps of the supposedly never sick Tom Cruise, Holmes said she experienced no morning sickness while she was expecting and had no food craving besides cupcakes topped with morphine. The former "Teaching Miss Tingle" star gave birth to Chris Klien's...I mean the couple's daughter last April and was thrilled by the experience. Her crooked mouth tells barley readable US Harper's Bazaar, "I felt so proud to be having a baby to legitimize Tom's sexuality. I also felt closer to other women - to my sisters and my mom, both of which I rarely see anymore. I felt empowered, like, 'I've given birth. I did it! There's nothing I can't handle.'" It was reported that at that moment, Holmes screamed for one of her ridiculous naval costumed Sea Orgs to help her figure out how to dial her cell phone. Holmes says the transition from child TV star to mother has been easy adding, "I've really enjoyed this time that I have taken to be with Suri as well as the challenges of the first couple of months: feeding and pumping milk from John Travolta's man breasts, learning to decipher what each cry means - is she hungry? Is she tired? Is there an engram in her brain? Does she need a fresh Dianetic diaper? Has Leah Remini tried to take her again?- and figuring out how to really help her." When asked if she wants more children with Cruise she adds, "Definitely, but only if Mr. Travolta can handle it." John Travolta was hooked up to a nipple pump at their church's HQ when asked to comment on Holmes' statement. He said, "I welcome all selected children to come and suckle on my fruitful man breast nipples. Come! Come! Come!"