Romancing the Stone Aged

Hollywood tart Sharon Stone has slammed 10 Botox shots in 10 minutes for an intense radical treatment to save her long faded youth. The Botox was poured into shot glasses as Stone slammed the poison and turned the glass over on the doctors desk to show she drank it all. Stone also is slamming reports she is dating her Bobby co-star, the booze beater Christian Slater. The pair recently attended several plastic surgery conventions, Slater for hair work and Stone for every cosmetic treatment under the sun. They have also attended premieres of the Emilio Estevez-directed B-movie together, sparking rumors they were romancing. However, Stone's representative tells the decent honorable gossip site The Scoop, "They did Bobby together and went to two of the premieres together even though they weren't invited. They did each other three times in the limo to the premiere. Sharon also did do body shots of Botox off of Christian while Christian donkey punched her. That's it. Nothing else." Sharon Stone still says she knew Rock Hudson and Paul Verhoven, director of Basic Instinct, says for Sharon's audition she really did blow everyone away. Wink Wink Nudge Nudge Say No More.

Sex and the City: Return of the Living Dead

Relic actress Kim Cattrall has confirmed that the highly-gay feature film version of Sex And The City is officially back on. Since the series ended in 2004, rumors have been circulating the cast would eventually be in a retirement home or bring the show to the big screen. Cattrall, who played aged sex-mad public relations exec Samantha Jones on the series, has spent the last three and a half months acting in David Mamet's The Cryptogram in London hoping to gain some acting credibility back. The Police Academy star admits she only found out about the film when she came back to the US for a face lift. She tells credible and news worthy American publication Star, "I've just come home and there was just this flood of excitement! Or that could have been a hot flash; I am not sure yet." Media reports have claimed the previously planned film fell apart because no one really wants to see old ladies trying to bang young guys and Cattrall refused to appear with other cast member Sarah Jessica Parker, who is currently working on trying to get the classic TV show Mr. Ed to the big screen. Sarah wants to play Mr. Ed. Kristin Davis and Cynthia Nixon, for which make up does wonders, are already acting out scenes in their studio apartment from the unwritten Sex and The City film. When asked why they are doing such a thing they screamed, "It's all we got man!" Catrall puts the rumors to rest adding, "I'm just so glad we haven't been missed or forgotten!" Show creator Darren Starr was reached for comment on the situation of the film version of Sex and the City. Darren said, "Haaaaaaaaaay!"

O'Donnell loves all Mr. Robotos

One time Comedienne Rosie O'Donnell has come under fire for cleaning out Old Country Buffet on steak night and offending the Chinese community on her mind numbing blabbering US talk show. The bad actress-turned long time obvious lesbian-turned TV host has been criticized for being just that and by ethnic groups for using the phrase "ching chong" to represent the Chinese language on The View earlier this month. But 44-year-old bottom teeth smiler O'Donnell says she was unaware the remark was racist and offensive to Chinese people. She says, "To say 'ching chong' to someone is very offensive, and some Asian people have told me it's as bad as the n-word. To which I said what about "ping pong"? That's a game, a fun game, and we could do the same with "ching chong". Instead of hitting a ball with a paddle across a net we could do something that uses math. All Asians are good at math, right? But as far as "ching chong" goes I didn't know that.' I'm sorry for those people who felt hurt or were teased on the playground by big boys like myself. But I'm also gonna give you a fair warning that there's a good chance I'll do something like that again, probably in the next week, probably right now, not on purpose. Only 'cause it's how my brain works." O'Donnell finished her sandwich and statement and walked away but then turned around and screamed, "Ching Chong!" and jumped into her office and slammed the door. Moments later, the horrible Dennis De Young song "Mr. Roboto" was heard blasting from O'Donnell's office. However, the completely useless and unknown Unity:Journalists of Color, which represents ethnic groups in the media, says O'Donnell's remarks "really didn't sound like an apology, especially with an Arby's Big Montana in her mouth," and are calling for The View producers to publicly condemn the host's comments. Producers of The View released a statement stating, "We had no idea that anyone could care so much about a show filled with a revolving door of irrelevant woman. We are as shocked as you are that this show is still even on the air. Although we have to say we are very impressed that anyone can watch the show for that long and walk away from the show understanding any of the foolish blubber that these over paid cackling statues have said. So for that, we thank you. Oh, we have no comment on 'ching chong' thing. Domo Arigato!"

McConaughey Loves Football and Himself

I have just come back from a set of press junkets and let me tell you this was by far the weirdest I have ever been a part of. "Tiptoes" star Matthew McConaughey was doing press junkets for his new predictable movie "We Are Marshall". Not only is the role of the coach in the movie taylor made for the push up loving, head band wearing, creepy bearded McConaughey; it was a perfect opportunity for the "all style and no substance" Smashmouth director McG. So after having a normal interview with the other film's star, "Party of Five"'s Matthew Fox, that consisted of the two us sitting in chairs with a poster of the film behind Fox and me asking horribly inane questions; I then continued to the next room to interview the over hyped star Matthew McConaughey. McConaughey's room was dressed up to look like a football locker room complete with lockers, benches and McConaughey himself dressed in the football coach's uniform from the movie. After McConaughey launched a ball at my head when I walked in the room he said, "Nice hands rookie!". I brought the bloody ball back to him and he said, "Lance would have caught that." I said I didn't care and proceeded to sit down in the designated chair to start asking my questions. Other than the elaborate decor of the room, I noticed there was no chair for my new beef-headed friend. There were only benches but McConaughey would not sit down. Instead, McConaughey stood above me holding the football and told me to start. I said I felt uncomfortable sitting while he was standing over me and would be more than happy to stand and ask my questions. McConaughey told me to stay seated because he was the coach and I was his player. LET THE WEIRDNESS BEGIN! The next 15 minutes went like this: McConaughey yelled every answer back to my questions while pacing back and forth, he dissected the grammar of my questions on a chalk board like a football play, he ate 13 skinless chicken breasts, two power bars, he executed 123 back breaking sit-ups, he threw the football against the locker in the climax of his incoherent rant about bongos, power squats and Jake Gyllenhaal, he then knelt down to pray while pointing that stupid index finger in the air that you see in everyone of his press photos while the first measure of Gary Glitter's Rock n' Roll Part 2 played. The room then fell to complete silence as I sat there for five minutes with my eyes popping out of my head. At that point I slowly crept from my chair and slinked out of the room with no words to be said.

Winfrey says, "What's the deal Holmes?"

The unknown Oprah Winfrey has been left off the invite list to Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' post-Scientology wedding party - just weeks after the couple failed a normalcy test and to ask her to their extremely pompous Italian marriage. Cruise and Winfrey have been crazy and friends for many years and the "Cocktail" star made his infamous couch-jumping "I'm in love" speech regarding Holmes on the media mogul's mindless housewife TV talk show last year. Not only was Oprah shocked by the jumping but scared that if Cruise fell from the couch it would be deadly. This is only because the diminutive star had to be crane lifted on to the couch to begin with. Winfrey was noticeably left off the list to the November 18 ceremony in Bracciano, Italy - even though completely irrelevant celebrities such as Jennifer Lopez, Marc Anthony and Jim Carrey - who are not known to be friends of Cruise or even potential Sea Orgs - were invited. Oddly enough Stedman Graham was present at the Xenu ceremony and was seen eating most of the little crab cakes. He was later spotted brushing the crab cake crumbs from his mustache into a napkin and putting it in his pocket. Sources say that he feels his gravy train with Oprah might come to an end and he will need whatever food he can get to survive. On Saturday the newlyweds have invited friends who were unable to attend the ridiculous Castello Odescalchi ceremony to a party at Cruise's producing partner Paula Wagner's Beverly Hills, California haunted mansion. However, Winfrey's representative tells the New York Daily News the TV titan hasn't been invited. Fellow L. Ron Hubbard-ite, John Travolta, held a press conference to address the situation but oddly enough had no comment. Fresh from a new set of hair transplants, Travolta stood with a baseball cap on and cried. He continued to cry for the next 27 minutes, at which point Oprah entered the room and told Travolta to stop it. She said, "How many times do you have to cry? We have enough footage of you crying on my show to last until your wife Kelly Preston becomes an actual movie star. Which means never, FACE!"

Lindsay Lohan's mom says, "She's very smrt."

Lindsay Lohan's mother/saggy old divorce, Dina, is delighted her daughter has banged nothing but D-Level celebrities and started visiting Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meetings, hailing the horrible singer/actress as "very smart." When asked what the word "smart" means, Dina Lohan looked up to the sky and said, "Ooh...There's a bird." Lohan has been a regular of the Hollywood and New York party scene for several years - which marks her only real accomplishment as a human being. On Friday, Lohan's "anonymity" was broken when her publicist admitted the "Mean Girls" star had been to several meetings. Speaking to the effeminate Ryan Seacrest on his ground breaking KIIS-FM radio show on Friday, Dina stressed her daughter is not an alcoholic but is not an amateur whore, despite admitting she was going to AA and has banged the undeserving Wilmer Valdarammamamma. After a long discussion with Lindsay's car and other inanimate objects in her house, Dina realized that Lindsay needed to go to AA and not AAA. Dina says, "You know, a lot of the young people with daddy's money she hangs out with go, and it's a positive thing. She has a great AA partner in Jan Michael Vincent. They even go out for drinks after class to talk about what they have just learned. Leif Garret is the class' designated driver. It's all good. As a parent, you tell them what you can tell them, which makes no sense, but she's 20 and I'm not gonna say, 'Stay home and don't go out, ' that's a ridiculous thing to do becasue only a normal loving parent would say something like that. I mean she pays for my plastic surgury and various botox injections. How in the world am I going to land a guy at my age without it! I'm there for support, and I'll obviously give her my opinion, but she's very smart." Diana Lohan then farted and pointed at her dog for blame.

Where's Judge Ito when you need him?

Madonna's adoption of a token baby, David Banda, can be legally physically challenged, a judge in Malawi ruled yesterday. This physical challenge will be over saw by Double Dare's own Marc Summers. A coalition of 67 human rights groups, it was not 69 because that would be too fitting for Madonna, filed a petition after Madonna and washed-up director husband Guy Ritchie were awarded 18-month interim custody and allowed to take one-year-old David out of the country. Activists pointed out intra-country adoptions are not allowed in Malawi, as well as extremely old pop stars, and argued the Malawian government "fast-tracked" the adoption. They want involvement in an assessment of Madonna's fitness as a mother. Madonna stated, "I am completely fit to be David's mother. I can do 143 push-ups, 93 tricep dips, and run until all my STDs run down my leg and under my shoes! I can prove that!" At a court in the capital Lilongwe, Judge Andrew Nyirenda yesterday ruled that the groups can pursue an application for a full review of the custody order. He said, "The applications from both applicants are accordingly granted and they are both joined as amicus curiae." Madonna has petitioned for a new judge to be put on the case. She has submitted Judge Lance Ito's name. The adoption craze has reached new heights and celebs are running out to adopt children that are completely opposite from themselves. We have just learned that Jesse Jackson has adopted a new baby boy, Eli Herschelvitz from Beverly Hills. Keep hope alive?

Wilson, Hudson & Dupree

"Butterscotch Kid" Owen Wilson has rubbished speculation he has range as an actor and is to propose to Goldie Hawn's daughter Kate Hudson after being spotted with his mother looking at rings in a jewelry shop. The "I Spy" actor Wilson and his mom were shopping in jewelers Harry Winston in scummy Texas. The actor is rumored to be dating his extremely flat You, Me & Dupree co-star Hudson, who split from her Black Crowes' front man husband Chris Robinson in September. Chris Robinson just filed his divorce papers this week only because he had no idea he was even married to Kate Hudson. When asked about his delay in filing the papers Robinson was quoted saying, "Well I remember sharing a doob with her but.....Wow that must have been some good shit." An onlooker says, "They were looking at a huge, pear-shaped, flawless diamond engagement ring." However, a representative for Wilson says, "Owen's mother was looking for jewelry for herself and that Luke is the more talented Wilson son." Hudson recently showed up to her mother's one hundredth birthday party but with no date in hand. When asked about her dateless night to the centennial celebration Hudson said, "The only reason I got into this business was because of my mom. I have no actual talent so I have to give her all my undivided attention." Kurt Russell's hair had no comment.