Not BALD but can't WIN

Extremely bloated actor Alec Baldwin has posted an apology online, explaining that his horrible choice to be on a show with Tina Fey and his leaked answer machine rant was the result of being "driven to the edge" by his bitter custody battle with ex-wife Kim Basinger. The "Along Came Polly" star was reported to be taking legal action and eating mass quantities of Mac & Cheese on Saturday to find out who was responsible for the leaked three-minute recording to Tmz.com, in which he verbally chastised his 11-year-old daughter Ireland (which is her real name and not her soon to be porn name), and called Basinger "a thoughtless pain in the a*s." But in a posting on his official website, www.sweatyangrythickhairtalent.com, Baldwin blames the "Cool World" actress for "alienating" him from his parenting duties, which propelled him to lose his temper and force him and his brother Daniel to completely shut down every "all you can eat" Chinese buffets in Hollywood due to lack of food. He says, "Although I have been told by numerous people not to eat 64oz of beef and broccoli in one sitting and not to worry too much, as all parents lose their patience with their kids, I am most saddened that this was released to the media because of what it does to a child. I'm sorry, as everyone who knows me is aware, for losing my temper with my child and shutting down Wang's Golden China Buffet on Ventura Blvd. I have been driven to the edge by parental alienation for many years now... I am sorry for what happened. But I am equally sorry for remaking "The Getaway" and that a court order was violated, which had deliberately been put under seal in this case." Alec's family has stuck with him through this whole ordeal from the beginning. Stephen Baldwin has promised to pray for Alec, William Baldwin has promised to stop acting until the matter is resolved (thank god), and Daniel Baldwin has vowed to eat every box of Coco Puffs in the contiguous United States in protest to the leaked voice mail message.

Which is worse? Houston, Texas or Whitney Houston? Hard to tell.

Whitney Houston has finally started eating and working on her comeback album after stepping into a Los Angeles recording studio yesterday by accident. She actually thought she was going to see her cousin Dion Warwick for a tarot card reading. The troubled singer has wasted her life, career and spent time in rehab over the past year over controversy regarding her drug abuse, but has now teamed up with her old out of date mentor Clive Davis to record tracks for a new album. With the most overrated musician since Alcia Keys, John Legend, has lined up to work with the diva. Houston is currently working with Grammy Award-winning songwriter and producer Johnta Austin, who wrote Mariah Carey's hit "We Belong Together" and Snow's "Informer". According to bipartisan Fox News, music mogul Clive Davis has already selected which doctors he needs to stay alive during the recording process and up to seven tunes for the star, including songs by R Kelly called "Piss like the Rain", "Young Fun" and "It's Cool, I'm Famous, Leave the Camera On". Houston is also reportedly working with a vocal coach to ensure her voice has not been affected by drug abuse and smoking. Bobby Brown just happened to be in the studio when Houston walked in. Bobby was there working on a new addition mixing session. He was actually mixing the cement needed for the new addition to the studio.

It's just one big misunderstanding, right?"

The always extremely sweaty and hairy actor Daniel Baldwin has passed 20 drug tests proving he has been sober for 92 days, a Californian court heard Thursday. The court in turn told Daniel that only one actual drug test was necessary and that the 19 other tests he designed on his own, which consisted of standing long jumps, defeating Mike Tyson in Nintentodo's "Mike Tyson's Punch Out", blowing bubbles with chewing gum and taking the ACT, were deemed useless and insane. Daniel had no response except taking a deep breath and then holding it in until his lips turned blue. The 46-year-old was arrested on charges of having a cocaine ingesting device on his person which turned out to be a big green spiral straw that was a free gift from Daniel's favorite cereal Cocoa Puffs. He was also found to be under the influence of several substances, but none of which could be identified because of the exuberant amount of cocoa, from Daniel's favorite cereal Cocoa Puffs, that diluted every examined sample. At a progress report hearing at Los Angeles Superior Court, Baldwin's lawyer Grant Hoagland told Judge Scott Millington his client completed a program earlier this week and is now attending an other program. When Judge Scott Millington found out that Daniel only watched one episode of "Family Ties" and was currently watching an episode of "Charles in Charge", Hoagland said, "Oh. You want him to complete drug programs? I get it now." On Tuesday, and in a separate case, Baldwin pleaded not guilty to charges of unlawfully taking a car and receiving stolen property. Daniel claimed he borrowed the vehicle from a friend but just forgot to tell him.

Married with Alien Children

Possible stroke victim Katie Holmes definitely has disappointed her parents by wanting more children with husband Tom Cruise after having such an easy and unpublicized pregnancy with her daughter, Suri. The already 28-year-old washed up actress wants to prove she and her husband have super powers. Following in the footsteps of the supposedly never sick Tom Cruise, Holmes said she experienced no morning sickness while she was expecting and had no food craving besides cupcakes topped with morphine. The former "Teaching Miss Tingle" star gave birth to Chris Klien's...I mean the couple's daughter last April and was thrilled by the experience. Her crooked mouth tells barley readable US Harper's Bazaar, "I felt so proud to be having a baby to legitimize Tom's sexuality. I also felt closer to other women - to my sisters and my mom, both of which I rarely see anymore. I felt empowered, like, 'I've given birth. I did it! There's nothing I can't handle.'" It was reported that at that moment, Holmes screamed for one of her ridiculous naval costumed Sea Orgs to help her figure out how to dial her cell phone. Holmes says the transition from child TV star to mother has been easy adding, "I've really enjoyed this time that I have taken to be with Suri as well as the challenges of the first couple of months: feeding and pumping milk from John Travolta's man breasts, learning to decipher what each cry means - is she hungry? Is she tired? Is there an engram in her brain? Does she need a fresh Dianetic diaper? Has Leah Remini tried to take her again?- and figuring out how to really help her." When asked if she wants more children with Cruise she adds, "Definitely, but only if Mr. Travolta can handle it." John Travolta was hooked up to a nipple pump at their church's HQ when asked to comment on Holmes' statement. He said, "I welcome all selected children to come and suckle on my fruitful man breast nipples. Come! Come! Come!"

Big Bang, Tiny Stars

Crazy couples night out! Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony and Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher joined weightless Posh Spice Victoria Beckham at the glitzy party Prince threw after the Golden Globe Awards on Monday night. Prince had a "short" list of stars allowed into the party. Tom Cruise and Marc Anthony were at the top of the short list. "The Littles" superstar, who claimed the Best Song prize for his Happy Feet tune "The Song Of The Heart," performed at the Forbes Penthouse inside the Beverly Wilshire Four Seasons hotel. Price said it was a great opportunity to write a song for something or someone he can stand eye to eye with. Even Justin Timberlake attended the party, who just early had mocked the pint-sized singer while accepting the award for him by walking on his knees, drawing on thin creepy facial hair, sucking in his cheeks, powdering his face to a corpse-like perfection and cutting off his balls for a perfect Prince impersonation. When asked why he would go as far as cutting off his balls for the Prince impersonation Timberlake said, "I was going for realism. I want to be an actor. And for the record I did not cut off my balls, Cameron Diaz did it for me." The impersonation did not bother Prince but his doves did cry. Other stars were spotted at the lavish party included Penelope Cruz, who spent 25 minutes asking for a new glass because no one could understand her and every time she spoke the new glass would break. Lindsay Lohan managed to bang three bus boys while smoking two packs of cigarettes. Leonardo DiCaprio managed to bang Lindsay Lohan in between each bus boy while typing on his blackberry. Chris Rock's fake front teeth fell out when chewing on some mini Prince appetizers. Drew Barrymore was seen scouring the party for another failed relationship. Sienna Miller cried outside the party entrance because she was told the party was for real accomplished stars and would not be let in. Jamie Foxx, once again, could not stop being Ray Charles and insisted on singing to everyone in the party with his below mediocre voice. The party continued well into the night with Tom Cruise and Leah Remini handing out Scientology pamphlets. Beckham also fueled rumors she's planning on eating and starting a clothing line with Lopez when she left the glitzy bash with the singer/actress....oh, and her husband. I forgot his name already.

"The Buck stops here!--At Old Country Buffet"

The thought to be dead TV's "Buck Rogers", Gil Gerard, has not heard from an agent in 15 years and has shed 140 pounds after undergoing gastric-bypass surgery. The heavyweight former TV hunk, whose former wife Connie Sellecca married, TV's blond Herman Munster, John Tesh, weighed in at a whopping 350 pounds when doctors told him he was either morbidly obese or the long lost son of "Jake and the Fatman" star William Conrad, who oddly enough was the narrator on "Buck Rogers". The doctors in the end ruled out the latter and suggested surgery to help him lose weight fast. The 66-year-old actor, who played Rogers on TV from 1979 to 1981, agreed to let the extremely low rated Discovery Health cable channel cameras follow his operations and subsequent progress. Not only was this the "biggest roll" Gerard has had in years but the documented surgery proved to be the most shocking ever caught on tape. Two hours into the surgery doctors pulled out two enormous masses from Gerard's stomach. After analyzing, one mass appeared to be Gary Coleman and the other to be the costume for Twiki, both costars on episodes of "Buck Rogers". In response to the doctor's findings Gerard said, "I honestly thought that Twiki was on of those chocolates wrapped in tin foil and as for Gary Coleman, I honestly thought no one would notice. After winning his battle with the bulge in just seven months, the actor says, "I don't miss that guy, I really don't." Just after that statement Gerard was seen eating a Quad Stacker from Burger King. Out of nowhere, Pal Bill Clinton joined Gerard for part of the Discovery special. Clinton's scenes were subsequently deleted from the program because Clinton thought that he and Gerard were going to watch doctors implant triple DD breast implants into strippers. Clinton was caught on tape saying to Gerard, "Listen buddy, I have to witness at my wife's face lifts. I can't imagine looking at your fat belly get cut open. My advice is have a couple heart attacks. It helped me lose weight."

Indiana Jones and The Social Security Check

The much anti-climatic fourth Indiana Jones installment will be filmed this year to coincide with Harrison Ford's record breaking 100th birthday, sub par writer/producer/billionaire George Lucas confirms. The filmmaker promises the sequel will be the most exciting chapter to date after finalizing the script with director Steven Spielberg via personal assistants. The script will be enhanced by many of the brilliant motifs that are in all Lucas and Spielberg productions. Story lines such as: Indiana Jones will befriend a small Egyptian boy that will remind him of his once faded youth, the Holocaust will be brought up somewhere in the movie, the movie's storyline will be a rehash of some medieval storyline, and finally Indiana Jones will stumble upon a town inhabited by hairy dwarfs that sell cute little dolls of themselves and make Indiana a billionaire. He says, "It's going to be fantastic. It's going to be the best one yet." George Lucas concluded his press conference, that was held on top of a hill at his Skywalker Ranch, by strapping on a jet pack. The jet pack didn't work so Lucas ran down the hill and into the pasture only to be picked up by a golf cart that was in the shape of Lucas's beard. From a megaphone he added the film will be a "character piece" and see Harrison Ford reprise his role as the titular hero. Ford played Indiana Jones in 1981's Raiders Of The Lost Ark, 1984's Indiana Jones and the Temple Of Doom and 1989's Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, which also featured Sean Connery. To this day, Sean Connery didn't know that he was in that movie. The always happy and smiling Harrison Ford, who has absolutely refused to be in a decent movie in the past 15 years that could actually make money for producers besides himself, delivered a statement via helicopter. The statement read, "I don't care." In other news, Calista Flockhart is raving about the new diet she has created. The diet consists of eating one $1000 bill from Harrison Ford's fortune seven times a day. Calista says, "If you want to have your shoulder blades bigger than your breasts, than this diet is for you."