Bit player Verne Troyer is hoping to get better acquainted with knee caps since he has spent most of his life at the ankle level. He is also hoping to get better acquainted with his fans by launching a new social networking website.
The oddity, who rose to about shin level as Mini Me in the one note Mike Myers' films, has set up the interactive site creatively called "Looking Up" on his official page cleverly called VerneTroyer.com - and is already busy uploading personal photos and videos of him having creepy sex and peeing in corners for his followers to check out, and encouraging them to post their own snaps. Verne is especially excited because his website can hold many more images than any other website because his photos are so tiny.
And Troyer is pleased he'll be able to use the website with the help of a giant chair to reach the keyboard so he can keep in touch with fans. The chair was donated by IKEA. An IKEA spokesperson said, "We are glad to help this thing out in anyway possible." When asked about making a special giant chair for Verne the spokesperson said, "We actually just gave him a chair from our junior collection."
He tells the unreadable Parade magazine, "I've launched a new website, VerneTroyer.com. It's linked to a social networking site called 'Looking Up', which is similar to Facebook. Well, it's exactly like Facebook. Listen, I am not a creative person. I'm small. That's all I got. Anyways, I get to chat with people that like my movies. I have them guess what other movies I've been in besides the Austin Powers movies. So far no one has guessed right. Actually no one has gone to the website yet. I type my website into Google and Google can't even see it. What does it take to be seen?"
A Google representative has even offered to help Verne's website to get more notice on their search engine. The Google rep says, "We have developed a search engine optimization tool especially for Verne. We are actually going to put Verne's website on the shoulders of a larger website. We are then going to put a large overcoat over both of them. Verne's website should be somewhat noticeable then." 2010 is going to be a huge year for Verne Troyer!
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
Law and Order of clean sheets
Fallen star Jude Law and nobody Sienna Miller have fuelled speculation that they are actors that the public is supposed to care about and that they've reignited their romance after jetting to Barbados for a festive break in the sun and acting lessons.
The abominable actress was spotted trying to be photographed while relaxing in a bikini with Law and his three children on one of the Caribbean island's white sand beaches on Sunday. They were also photographed giggling with British accents during a dinghy ride. During the ride Sienna hooked up with the dinghy operator and Jude successfully impregnated a sea turtle.
Miller is said to have spent Christmas Day in Barbados, which begs the question "How does this woman have money to vacation at all?" A recent Reuters survey has revealed that 10 out of 10 people don't know who Sienna Miller is or any of the movies that she has "starred" in.
The couple has reportedly checked into a beachfront villa, where they will be celebrity house maids. They have accepted a deal to change sheets and clean toilets for a room at the beachfront villa to off set any tattoo work for Sienna or any additional hair transplants for Jude while staying in Barbados to celebrate Miller's 28th birthday on Monday and Law's 37th on Tuesday.
It is the first time the "Alfie" co-stars have admitted they were in the movie "Alfie" and have been photographed together since they split in 2006 after Law's fling with his children's nanny was exposed in the press.
Despite almost four years apart and failed movie after failed movie, both stars have struggled to find lasting love - Miller slutted around with hideous actor Rhys Ifans, and so bravely endured a home-wrecker romance with married actor Balthazar Getty and his family's billions of dollars earlier this year, while single Law became a dad for the fourth time in September following a brief fling with American model Samantha Burke. In related news, "Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow" and "Casanova" can be found in the 1$ bin at Best Buy.
The abominable actress was spotted trying to be photographed while relaxing in a bikini with Law and his three children on one of the Caribbean island's white sand beaches on Sunday. They were also photographed giggling with British accents during a dinghy ride. During the ride Sienna hooked up with the dinghy operator and Jude successfully impregnated a sea turtle.
Miller is said to have spent Christmas Day in Barbados, which begs the question "How does this woman have money to vacation at all?" A recent Reuters survey has revealed that 10 out of 10 people don't know who Sienna Miller is or any of the movies that she has "starred" in.
The couple has reportedly checked into a beachfront villa, where they will be celebrity house maids. They have accepted a deal to change sheets and clean toilets for a room at the beachfront villa to off set any tattoo work for Sienna or any additional hair transplants for Jude while staying in Barbados to celebrate Miller's 28th birthday on Monday and Law's 37th on Tuesday.
It is the first time the "Alfie" co-stars have admitted they were in the movie "Alfie" and have been photographed together since they split in 2006 after Law's fling with his children's nanny was exposed in the press.
Despite almost four years apart and failed movie after failed movie, both stars have struggled to find lasting love - Miller slutted around with hideous actor Rhys Ifans, and so bravely endured a home-wrecker romance with married actor Balthazar Getty and his family's billions of dollars earlier this year, while single Law became a dad for the fourth time in September following a brief fling with American model Samantha Burke. In related news, "Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow" and "Casanova" can be found in the 1$ bin at Best Buy.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Like sands through the hour glass.....
As old as the sun itself, TV personality Barbara Walters has dismissed rumors of a sexy romance with creepy actor Frank Langella, insisting they are old friends. The effects of these rumors have been compared to the H1N1 flu. Once you have heard the rumor you will feel feverish with violent diarrhea followed by projectile vomiting. It is recommended that you seek shelter at once, cover your ears and close your eyes and think of young good looking people that are or could be romantically linked.
The pair sparked speculation they were a couple earlier this month after Walters and Langella were spotted together cashing Social Security checks and sucking on Humbugs at a bus stop in Washington, D.C..
But Walters, 80, has denied claims their relationship is more than platonic and that she uses Polident on her dentures.
She tells the New York Post's useless gossip column Page Six, "Frank and I have been friends for many years and will continue to be friends for many years, but it's not a romance. Frank lives far away from me and in order for me to see him on a regular basis I would have to drive at night. I can not drive at night anymore."
"Junior" star Langella, 71, has previously grossed the world out when he dated "Eddie" actress Whoopi Goldberg, Walters' co-host on the talk show "The View". Insiders say that Langella is also eyeing Joy Behar to complete what he calls the "Poseidon Trident Effect". When asked to explain, Langella only offered up, "Poseidon's Trident is the only weapon to bring water back to the desert."
The pair sparked speculation they were a couple earlier this month after Walters and Langella were spotted together cashing Social Security checks and sucking on Humbugs at a bus stop in Washington, D.C..
But Walters, 80, has denied claims their relationship is more than platonic and that she uses Polident on her dentures.
She tells the New York Post's useless gossip column Page Six, "Frank and I have been friends for many years and will continue to be friends for many years, but it's not a romance. Frank lives far away from me and in order for me to see him on a regular basis I would have to drive at night. I can not drive at night anymore."
"Junior" star Langella, 71, has previously grossed the world out when he dated "Eddie" actress Whoopi Goldberg, Walters' co-host on the talk show "The View". Insiders say that Langella is also eyeing Joy Behar to complete what he calls the "Poseidon Trident Effect". When asked to explain, Langella only offered up, "Poseidon's Trident is the only weapon to bring water back to the desert."
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
I'll have the Baldwin Extra Value Meal please
Alec Baldwin is a morning sex person along with a side order of bacon, sausage, four eggs, pancakes, hash browns and a glass of whole milk person, because a little early lovemaking and gluttony sets him up for the day.
The elephantine movie star, who is single after splitting the bed in half causing his former lawyer girlfriend, Nicole Seidel, to fall through the middle of the bed never to be found again.
Baldwin admits he's not fond of fruits, vegetables, walking and sex at night - because he's normally "comatose" after visiting the China Buffet across the street from his house.
He tells the obviously latent homosexual ab-tastic Men's Journal magazine, "At the end of the day, I'm exhausted...and hungry. Just taking a deep breath I break out in a sweat and the smell of my sweat makes me think of butter. So, I then have to eat a whole birthday cake. You understand right? But, in the morning, sex helps you get your mind right. You just blow out all your synapses and unprocessed Hollandaise Sauce and no matter what happens the rest of the day, nothing bothers you. Well, except my ex-wife Kim Basinger."
The elephantine movie star, who is single after splitting the bed in half causing his former lawyer girlfriend, Nicole Seidel, to fall through the middle of the bed never to be found again.
Baldwin admits he's not fond of fruits, vegetables, walking and sex at night - because he's normally "comatose" after visiting the China Buffet across the street from his house.
He tells the obviously latent homosexual ab-tastic Men's Journal magazine, "At the end of the day, I'm exhausted...and hungry. Just taking a deep breath I break out in a sweat and the smell of my sweat makes me think of butter. So, I then have to eat a whole birthday cake. You understand right? But, in the morning, sex helps you get your mind right. You just blow out all your synapses and unprocessed Hollandaise Sauce and no matter what happens the rest of the day, nothing bothers you. Well, except my ex-wife Kim Basinger."
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Reis-ing to the occasion
Un-funnyman Paul Reiser has launched a new line of toupees which will serve as a fill in for those nasty empty hairless spots on his head. He is calling it a "Hair Reiser". He has also launched an already ill-fated music career by teaming up with British singer Julia Fordham for a new album.
The "Odd Jobs" and "Mr. Write" star is in the studio with "Happy Ever After" singer Fordham and the B52s' Fred Schneider and they'll release their first album in 2010, which is just about the time the public will be able to wrap their head around the whole idea of Paul Reiser being a singer. Helen Hunt's forehead had no comment.
Fordham tells Super True News, "Along with being a "poor man's Woody Allen", Paul is also a classically trained pianist and studied composing and arranging at college." Fred Schneider said, "Heyyyyyyyyy!".
Meanwhile, Julia Fordham is launching an already ill-fated acting career with appearances on pal Tracey Ullman's upcoming unwatchable sketch show "State of The Union". Besides producing another horribly unfunny show, Tracey Ullman still wants people to know that "The Simpsons" got its start on her 80s sketch show, 'The Tracey Ullman Show". She is quoted saying, "For all the painfully unfunny hours of TV I have given you, please remember that."
Fordham adds, "Tracey is a....well the only hard part of being in a scene with her is to try and remember that the scene is supposed to be funny but you know full well that it is not. I just stand there while she jumps around in her cheap make up doing bad impersonations. Sometimes I have to keep my jaw from dropping to the floor as I marvel at her vapid uninspired routines." Helen Hunt's forehead had no comment. It was too busy eating a turkey.
Happy Thanksgiving from Super True News!
The "Odd Jobs" and "Mr. Write" star is in the studio with "Happy Ever After" singer Fordham and the B52s' Fred Schneider and they'll release their first album in 2010, which is just about the time the public will be able to wrap their head around the whole idea of Paul Reiser being a singer. Helen Hunt's forehead had no comment.
Fordham tells Super True News, "Along with being a "poor man's Woody Allen", Paul is also a classically trained pianist and studied composing and arranging at college." Fred Schneider said, "Heyyyyyyyyy!".
Meanwhile, Julia Fordham is launching an already ill-fated acting career with appearances on pal Tracey Ullman's upcoming unwatchable sketch show "State of The Union". Besides producing another horribly unfunny show, Tracey Ullman still wants people to know that "The Simpsons" got its start on her 80s sketch show, 'The Tracey Ullman Show". She is quoted saying, "For all the painfully unfunny hours of TV I have given you, please remember that."
Fordham adds, "Tracey is a....well the only hard part of being in a scene with her is to try and remember that the scene is supposed to be funny but you know full well that it is not. I just stand there while she jumps around in her cheap make up doing bad impersonations. Sometimes I have to keep my jaw from dropping to the floor as I marvel at her vapid uninspired routines." Helen Hunt's forehead had no comment. It was too busy eating a turkey.
Happy Thanksgiving from Super True News!
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
That Robin Williams is such a cut up!
Robin Williams has reportedly found his old coke straw and love with the woman who nursed him back to health after the opening of "World's Greatest Dad" and his open heart surgery earlier this year.
The out of date one note comedian, 58, split from his second wife, Marsha, in 2008 after 19 years of marriage and counseling.
He underwent an operation to remove "Jack" from his filmography and to replace his aortic valve and missing hair follicles in March, but his health scare has proved to be good for his love life because it brought him closer to graphic designer Susan Schneider, according to the washed up National Enquirer.
The couple allegedly met shortly before Williams did his changeless unaltered routine live tour for tons of money and just before he was admitted to hospital. It was the 45 year old's caring nature which won the extremely lonely actor over. She has impeccable timing.
A source tells the tabloid, "Robin truly believes it's no coincidence that Susan came into his life right before his heart operation. He told a pal, 'She saved me - she helped me heal. She has helped me deposit my huge paychecks. Isn't she a saint?"
TV shows Dateline, 20/20 and 48 hours are patiently waiting by when this turns into another classic "who done it?" episode. Was it the ex-wives? Was it his old coke dealer? Was it Exidor? Or was it the middle aged woman who came out of no where to start a relationship with Williams when he was lonely, depressed and ill?
I think it will be Exidor.
The out of date one note comedian, 58, split from his second wife, Marsha, in 2008 after 19 years of marriage and counseling.
He underwent an operation to remove "Jack" from his filmography and to replace his aortic valve and missing hair follicles in March, but his health scare has proved to be good for his love life because it brought him closer to graphic designer Susan Schneider, according to the washed up National Enquirer.
The couple allegedly met shortly before Williams did his changeless unaltered routine live tour for tons of money and just before he was admitted to hospital. It was the 45 year old's caring nature which won the extremely lonely actor over. She has impeccable timing.
A source tells the tabloid, "Robin truly believes it's no coincidence that Susan came into his life right before his heart operation. He told a pal, 'She saved me - she helped me heal. She has helped me deposit my huge paychecks. Isn't she a saint?"
TV shows Dateline, 20/20 and 48 hours are patiently waiting by when this turns into another classic "who done it?" episode. Was it the ex-wives? Was it his old coke dealer? Was it Exidor? Or was it the middle aged woman who came out of no where to start a relationship with Williams when he was lonely, depressed and ill?
I think it will be Exidor.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Heather Loclear is off the hook!
Fossil, Heather Locklear, has finally brushed off Richie Sambora's hair dye and rumors she's set to star in a planned big screen revival of 1980s TV cop drama T.J. Hooker, insisting young producers haven't even seen the show but have heard of it through camp fire stories and old post cards, so they haven't approached her about starring in a remake.
The series, produced by TV mogul Aaron Spelling's freakishly large eyes, premiered in 1982 with Locklear starring opposite William Shatner's 1980s wig - and now it's set for a modern makeover as original creator Rick Husky oversees its transition as producer. This modern makeover will include Shatner wearing a Faux Hawk wig and Heather Locklear being played by Blake Lively whose stand-in will be David Spade.
But Locklear admits she's old and not reprising her role, explaining, "They haven't asked me. I don't think they've asked me. Where am I?... They haven't asked Adrian Zmed, who left the highly successful T.J. Hooker for food stamps, so I'm sure he's in."
She continued to say, "I'm sure William Shatner is willing to do it. I can't see why not... Really, I can't see. I recently got Botox injected into my corneas in hopes to see the world as I did when I was young and hot. Either way, maybe I'll see the film when it comes out on VHS or Laser Disc."
Heather Locklear then proceeded to walk in circles until she passed out.
The series, produced by TV mogul Aaron Spelling's freakishly large eyes, premiered in 1982 with Locklear starring opposite William Shatner's 1980s wig - and now it's set for a modern makeover as original creator Rick Husky oversees its transition as producer. This modern makeover will include Shatner wearing a Faux Hawk wig and Heather Locklear being played by Blake Lively whose stand-in will be David Spade.
But Locklear admits she's old and not reprising her role, explaining, "They haven't asked me. I don't think they've asked me. Where am I?... They haven't asked Adrian Zmed, who left the highly successful T.J. Hooker for food stamps, so I'm sure he's in."
She continued to say, "I'm sure William Shatner is willing to do it. I can't see why not... Really, I can't see. I recently got Botox injected into my corneas in hopes to see the world as I did when I was young and hot. Either way, maybe I'll see the film when it comes out on VHS or Laser Disc."
Heather Locklear then proceeded to walk in circles until she passed out.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Tara bites into the internet
The obsolete Tara Reid has brushed off crabs and rumours she is engaged to her internet entrepreneur boyfriend, which means he runs a cheap gambling site, after she was spotted sporting a large pink cold sore and diamond on her ring finger.
The horrendous actress met lonely German businessman Michael Axtmann earlier this year after she was released from a spell in rehab to treat her alcohol addiction. Relationship experts all agree that if you have a ton of money and are looking for a good time, just stand outside a drug rehab center in California. Dr. Neil Clark Warren of eHarmony fame was quoted saying, "I recommend it! It's like taking candy from a very washed up despondent baby."
The pair has been dating ever since, and sent gossip mongers into D-List overdrive when Reid was pictured wearing a massive pink sparkler on her left hand earlier this week. She then took the juvenile firework off her hand and replaced it with a ring.
But Reid insists they have no plans to wed in the near future, confessing the big jewel was just a generous birthday gift on loan from her lover. She will most definitely have to return it once the whole "Smokey cigarette voice and I was in a hit movie 10 years ago" thing wears off.
She tells People.com because Popsugar.com didn't even care, "I got a beautiful ring from my boyfriend for my birthday last weekend. But we're not engaged... yet!" She continued to say, "My boyfriend loves everything about me. He especially loves my stomach! He says it reminds him of a topographic map of Germany."
Reid was previously engaged to TV host Carson Daly before he started a diet that caused his eyes to become bigger than his head and proceed to scare away all 11 of his viewers.
The horrendous actress met lonely German businessman Michael Axtmann earlier this year after she was released from a spell in rehab to treat her alcohol addiction. Relationship experts all agree that if you have a ton of money and are looking for a good time, just stand outside a drug rehab center in California. Dr. Neil Clark Warren of eHarmony fame was quoted saying, "I recommend it! It's like taking candy from a very washed up despondent baby."
The pair has been dating ever since, and sent gossip mongers into D-List overdrive when Reid was pictured wearing a massive pink sparkler on her left hand earlier this week. She then took the juvenile firework off her hand and replaced it with a ring.
But Reid insists they have no plans to wed in the near future, confessing the big jewel was just a generous birthday gift on loan from her lover. She will most definitely have to return it once the whole "Smokey cigarette voice and I was in a hit movie 10 years ago" thing wears off.
She tells People.com because Popsugar.com didn't even care, "I got a beautiful ring from my boyfriend for my birthday last weekend. But we're not engaged... yet!" She continued to say, "My boyfriend loves everything about me. He especially loves my stomach! He says it reminds him of a topographic map of Germany."
Reid was previously engaged to TV host Carson Daly before he started a diet that caused his eyes to become bigger than his head and proceed to scare away all 11 of his viewers.
Monday, November 9, 2009
I know John McEnroe, and sir you are no John McEnroe
Aging tennis player who looks like he is from the future, Andre Agassi, has opened up about his failed marriage to actress/model/emotion wreck/pharmaceutical magnet Brooke Shields a decade after their divorce - insisting the pair should never have wed. He says, "I can't believe 'Suddenly Susan' lasted longer than our marriage! I mean I know people laughed at our marriage but who laughed at that show!"
Agassi confesses they were a terrible match which ended Love-Love, but the love is not lost. Although he blames himself for the ill-fated union - which ended in divorce in 1999 - he says Shields was equally to blame, which ended this love 'mis'-match in a big old deuce. A hot steaming deuce. Agassi continues to claim he clung to Shields in a desperate bid to find happiness and his wig during an emotional meltdown.
He explains, "I was a viciously balding 27 year old, ranked 141 in the world and in a marriage that I shouldn't be in... I didn't want to be playing tennis either so my life was filled with things I didn't want such as the Canon Rebel Camera. Part of it was an inability to find a place for all these cameras or for anything really. I was never paid to be the spokesperson for the Canon Rebel Camera. They just gave me free cameras! Sure they came in handy when chronicling my rapidly balding head so I can show my doctor my hair loss progress but other than that those cameras just took up space."
Agassi continued to say, "Why they picked me to be the 'rebel' spokesperson for their camera is beyond me. I mean I was wearing a wig! Is that being a rebel? I guess it might be. I mean my wig was made up of dead baby seal fur...so I guess that's kind of rebellious. Right?"
Agassi married fellow tennis champion and man look a like Steffi Graf in October 2001. They share an eight-year-old son, Jaden Gil, and a six-year-old daughter, Jaz Elle. They named their kids those names in hopes that they might become strippers and they don't have to go through the hassle of having a 'stage name'.
The revelations in Agassi's new memoir "Open", in which he also admits to taking crystal methamphetamine and deliberately throwing lit matches at tennis matches in hopes to see the irony.
Agassi confesses they were a terrible match which ended Love-Love, but the love is not lost. Although he blames himself for the ill-fated union - which ended in divorce in 1999 - he says Shields was equally to blame, which ended this love 'mis'-match in a big old deuce. A hot steaming deuce. Agassi continues to claim he clung to Shields in a desperate bid to find happiness and his wig during an emotional meltdown.
He explains, "I was a viciously balding 27 year old, ranked 141 in the world and in a marriage that I shouldn't be in... I didn't want to be playing tennis either so my life was filled with things I didn't want such as the Canon Rebel Camera. Part of it was an inability to find a place for all these cameras or for anything really. I was never paid to be the spokesperson for the Canon Rebel Camera. They just gave me free cameras! Sure they came in handy when chronicling my rapidly balding head so I can show my doctor my hair loss progress but other than that those cameras just took up space."
Agassi continued to say, "Why they picked me to be the 'rebel' spokesperson for their camera is beyond me. I mean I was wearing a wig! Is that being a rebel? I guess it might be. I mean my wig was made up of dead baby seal fur...so I guess that's kind of rebellious. Right?"
Agassi married fellow tennis champion and man look a like Steffi Graf in October 2001. They share an eight-year-old son, Jaden Gil, and a six-year-old daughter, Jaz Elle. They named their kids those names in hopes that they might become strippers and they don't have to go through the hassle of having a 'stage name'.
The revelations in Agassi's new memoir "Open", in which he also admits to taking crystal methamphetamine and deliberately throwing lit matches at tennis matches in hopes to see the irony.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Lilo and Glitch...in my musak career?
Hollywood senior citizen Lindsay Lohan is adamant she hasn't given up on finding a retirement home or on her music career - following reports she had been dumped by her record label. This came in just after her record label released the statement, "We are no longer Lindsay Lohan's record label. Thank you." They continued to say, "Although Lindsay Lohan is not on our label anymore please continue to support our artist roster. Next week we are releasing an album by Ali Lohan. Again, thank you."
Lindsay Lohan, who has released two albums from her hand and into the garbage, was working on her third record, tentatively titled "Spirit in the Dark with Gross Freckles All Over", when she realized the record button on her tape recorder was not properly pressed down with the play button. So instead she just submitted a tape of Dionne Warwick's Greatest Hits and called it her demo tape. Done.
But after releasing promotional single "Bossy" last May work on the new record stalled along with her ability to take showers. The "Labor Pains" star reportedly found it difficult to juggle her non-existent acting career, her work as a highly contrived recording artist and aging faster than a new born Benjamin Button.
New reports this week suggest Lohan's career was doomed from the moment she started dating Wilmer Valderrama. Wilmer was quoted saying, "Anything I touch is doomed. I mean just look at me. When your career is based on the hopes of landing the role to play Officer Francis Llewellyn 'Ponch' Poncherello in the movie version of 'CHiPs, you are screwed." There are also reports Lindsay has been dropped by bosses at her Casablanca record label.
But a spokesperson for the actress has called the rumours "...like totally not true but mostly true...whatev", telling pathetic GossipCop.com Lohan still has a contract with the company.
Lindsay Lohan, who has released two albums from her hand and into the garbage, was working on her third record, tentatively titled "Spirit in the Dark with Gross Freckles All Over", when she realized the record button on her tape recorder was not properly pressed down with the play button. So instead she just submitted a tape of Dionne Warwick's Greatest Hits and called it her demo tape. Done.
But after releasing promotional single "Bossy" last May work on the new record stalled along with her ability to take showers. The "Labor Pains" star reportedly found it difficult to juggle her non-existent acting career, her work as a highly contrived recording artist and aging faster than a new born Benjamin Button.
New reports this week suggest Lohan's career was doomed from the moment she started dating Wilmer Valderrama. Wilmer was quoted saying, "Anything I touch is doomed. I mean just look at me. When your career is based on the hopes of landing the role to play Officer Francis Llewellyn 'Ponch' Poncherello in the movie version of 'CHiPs, you are screwed." There are also reports Lindsay has been dropped by bosses at her Casablanca record label.
But a spokesperson for the actress has called the rumours "...like totally not true but mostly true...whatev", telling pathetic GossipCop.com Lohan still has a contract with the company.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Tyra Tyra Tyra Tyra Tyra Tyra Tyra and Tyra
Tyra Banks is catching up on not talking about herself due to a two hour nap. She is also trying to catch up with her idol Oprah Winfrey in the fortune stakes - she's topped a Forbes list of the highest earning women who think nothing but themselves while talking about nothing but themselves and making the occasional tax write off charity donations on prime time U.S. TV.
The supermodel-turned-bad actress-turned megalomaniac chat show host is leading the way with her earnings in the last year, pulling in $30 million for America's Next Top Model, as well as her completely useless daytime talk show.
Runner-up Katherine Heigl raked in $18 million for her role in Grey's Anatomy and her embarrassingly bad film projects, while CSI: Crime Scene Investigation actress Marg Helgenberger is in third with $9.5 million in earnings.
Forbes' full prime time Top Bottom earners list is as follows:
1) Shelly Long - $0 & a pack of gum
2) Meredith Baxter Bernie - $2 & a copy of Michael J. Fox's new book
3) Nicole Eggert - $3 that she found in pay phone coin return slots
4) Jodie Sweetin - $4.50 from washing Stamos' cars
5) Markie Post- $7 & a video tape of Harry Anderson doing magic
6) Soleil Moon Frye - $7.50 from a returned blouse from Old Navy
7) Erin Gray - $9 from selling her hot Battle Star Galatica suit
8) Lisa Bonet - $9.25 from braiding people's hair
9) Joyce Dewitt - $9.75 in change from her twenty dollar bill from buying Keystone Ice
10) Jim J. Bullock - $10 & a autographed picture of Ted Knight
The supermodel-turned-bad actress-turned megalomaniac chat show host is leading the way with her earnings in the last year, pulling in $30 million for America's Next Top Model, as well as her completely useless daytime talk show.
Runner-up Katherine Heigl raked in $18 million for her role in Grey's Anatomy and her embarrassingly bad film projects, while CSI: Crime Scene Investigation actress Marg Helgenberger is in third with $9.5 million in earnings.
Forbes' full prime time Top Bottom earners list is as follows:
1) Shelly Long - $0 & a pack of gum
2) Meredith Baxter Bernie - $2 & a copy of Michael J. Fox's new book
3) Nicole Eggert - $3 that she found in pay phone coin return slots
4) Jodie Sweetin - $4.50 from washing Stamos' cars
5) Markie Post- $7 & a video tape of Harry Anderson doing magic
6) Soleil Moon Frye - $7.50 from a returned blouse from Old Navy
7) Erin Gray - $9 from selling her hot Battle Star Galatica suit
8) Lisa Bonet - $9.25 from braiding people's hair
9) Joyce Dewitt - $9.75 in change from her twenty dollar bill from buying Keystone Ice
10) Jim J. Bullock - $10 & a autographed picture of Ted Knight
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Glamour of the Living Dead
Dynasty corpse Joan Collins is fronting a new TV special as part of her personal mission to revive her beating heart and style in Britain.
The extremely old make up concealed actress is appalled with the current state of fashion in the U.K. and is hosting a one-off show called, Joan The Unliving Dead Does Glamour, in which she helps three living women learn to dress stylishly.
She tells Britain's horrible Hello! magazine, "Some of the women's brains in Britain look great, and some of them look frightful. I wouldn't be caught un-dead eating their brains to stay alive. There are also so many fashion crimes. I think people have become sloppy. And it's not just down to money. I mean monetary units weren't even invented until I was 23 years old and I looked great. Some of the worst-dressed women I know buy dresses that cost £3,000 and they look horrible."
But Collins doesn't blame her 5 husbands or makeover victims for their fashion crimes and tasty brains, insisting it's the designers who are pushing unacceptable "grungy" looks.
She adds, "Number one is the designers. Number two is my sister Jackie Collins. I mean she is just as bad of a writer as I am an actress. Come on people! Most clothes that I saw during London's Fashion Week are emperor's new clothes. And, I thought... unwearable! Then I thought...I want to eat some brains to stay alive! I used to go to Saks Fifth Avenue and Neiman Marcus in Hollywood when I had acting jobs and there was a fantastic selection of clothes. But there isn't any more because I am old and unimportant. Magazines are pushing this grungy look of not caring. Women have become lost. Which I am slightly grateful for because I then can trap them and eat their brains to stay alive. They also don't know what to wear and don't want to spend too much money!"
Collins' programme airs in the U.K. on October 13 and is canceled soon after that .
The extremely old make up concealed actress is appalled with the current state of fashion in the U.K. and is hosting a one-off show called, Joan The Unliving Dead Does Glamour, in which she helps three living women learn to dress stylishly.
She tells Britain's horrible Hello! magazine, "Some of the women's brains in Britain look great, and some of them look frightful. I wouldn't be caught un-dead eating their brains to stay alive. There are also so many fashion crimes. I think people have become sloppy. And it's not just down to money. I mean monetary units weren't even invented until I was 23 years old and I looked great. Some of the worst-dressed women I know buy dresses that cost £3,000 and they look horrible."
But Collins doesn't blame her 5 husbands or makeover victims for their fashion crimes and tasty brains, insisting it's the designers who are pushing unacceptable "grungy" looks.
She adds, "Number one is the designers. Number two is my sister Jackie Collins. I mean she is just as bad of a writer as I am an actress. Come on people! Most clothes that I saw during London's Fashion Week are emperor's new clothes. And, I thought... unwearable! Then I thought...I want to eat some brains to stay alive! I used to go to Saks Fifth Avenue and Neiman Marcus in Hollywood when I had acting jobs and there was a fantastic selection of clothes. But there isn't any more because I am old and unimportant. Magazines are pushing this grungy look of not caring. Women have become lost. Which I am slightly grateful for because I then can trap them and eat their brains to stay alive. They also don't know what to wear and don't want to spend too much money!"
Collins' programme airs in the U.K. on October 13 and is canceled soon after that .
Monday, September 28, 2009
Rebecca Romijn Stamos O'Connell Romijn Ect...
Rebecca Romijn Stamos O'Connell Romijn is relishing her last names and the break she gets from her twin babies on the set of her new soon to be failed TV show "Eastwick" - because they took her "for granted" when she was a stay at home mum with a nanny. She said, "Those new borns had no idea what my nanny did for them. I mean the nanny fed them, cleaned them and held them. I bet they think that's normal. They probably think every new born that can't walk or speak yet has a nanny that will do that stuff for them. Just them wait until my nanny is not doing that anymore for them! I say 6 months of that is too much and they can fend for themselves!" Rebecca Romijn Stamos O'Connell Romijn then continued to build a play fort for her twins out of the "Roller Ball", "Femme Fatale", "The Punisher", "God Send" and "Pepper Dennis" scripts.
After nursing Dolly and Charlie for six months, Romijn swapped places with her completely emasculated husband Jerry O'Connell so she could return to work on the new horrible witch-themed drama. The TV show is so bad that Jack Nicholson is taking the film "Witches of Eastwick" off his filmography. Jack said, "The thought of Rebecca Romijn Stamos O'Connell Romijn acting in a TV show that has the partial name of one of my movies from 25 years ago is enough for me to believe that movie never existed."
"And her relationship with her babies is better than ever!" Says the out of work ex-bachelor Charlie O'Connell.
The actress tells the hitless website Starpulse.com, "My nanny was with them right up until they were six months which is when we started shooting, and I felt like they kind of took my nanny for granted a little bit, like Jerry'd walk in, or was it Charlie? I can't tell them apart! Anyways, Jerry or Charlie would walk in and they'd be like, 'Ahhh.' But then they never even noticed that it was my nanny with them the whole time. My nanny was a milk machine. I felt like that's all she was to them, just this walking milk machine." The out of work Charlie O'Connell says, "The kids' first words were actually, "You are a stupid model mommy. You can't act. Charlie O'Connell's work in the TV show 'Sliders' was great!" Charlie O'Connell continued, "Well, I actually made the last part up but the first part is true."
Romijn Stamos O'Connell Romijn continued saying, "How in the world do I keep getting acting jobs? But none the less, now that I'm not there as many hours during the day, they're pretty clingy and I have to say I love it. It's the best feeling in the world to be wanted, especially for bad movies and TV shows."
After nursing Dolly and Charlie for six months, Romijn swapped places with her completely emasculated husband Jerry O'Connell so she could return to work on the new horrible witch-themed drama. The TV show is so bad that Jack Nicholson is taking the film "Witches of Eastwick" off his filmography. Jack said, "The thought of Rebecca Romijn Stamos O'Connell Romijn acting in a TV show that has the partial name of one of my movies from 25 years ago is enough for me to believe that movie never existed."
"And her relationship with her babies is better than ever!" Says the out of work ex-bachelor Charlie O'Connell.
The actress tells the hitless website Starpulse.com, "My nanny was with them right up until they were six months which is when we started shooting, and I felt like they kind of took my nanny for granted a little bit, like Jerry'd walk in, or was it Charlie? I can't tell them apart! Anyways, Jerry or Charlie would walk in and they'd be like, 'Ahhh.' But then they never even noticed that it was my nanny with them the whole time. My nanny was a milk machine. I felt like that's all she was to them, just this walking milk machine." The out of work Charlie O'Connell says, "The kids' first words were actually, "You are a stupid model mommy. You can't act. Charlie O'Connell's work in the TV show 'Sliders' was great!" Charlie O'Connell continued, "Well, I actually made the last part up but the first part is true."
Romijn Stamos O'Connell Romijn continued saying, "How in the world do I keep getting acting jobs? But none the less, now that I'm not there as many hours during the day, they're pretty clingy and I have to say I love it. It's the best feeling in the world to be wanted, especially for bad movies and TV shows."
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Fancy Feast of Money
Box office poison Charlize Theron is ready to sink her claws into another way too long for its own good "Batman" movie - she's desperate to take on the role of Catwoman and be in her first hit movie in years. Charlize says, "I guess having an Oscar doesn't mean that much."
Several annoying actresses, including Megan Fox, Angelina Jolie and Ashley Judd, have been tipped to step into the famous catsuit, although Hollywood bosses, who are mostly just family members of previously famous people, have announced there isn't even a script in the works for the superhero sequel yet but the movie is done and ready to hit theaters tomorrow. Hollywood boss #43 said, "We need a script?".
But Theron insists she'd love the chance to transform into the feline femme fatale or just transform into a "Transformer" because she said, "That would be so cool.". She is offering her name up for casting directors and having her actor boyfriend, turned bad director, Stuart Townsend drive her to all casting director offices. He will then dust and clean her stacks of thousand dollar bills and wait for his weekly allowance.
She says, "I think what has happened to that franchise is amazing, like the cure for Polio or like the first moon landing. Seriously, (Batman filmmaker) Chris Nolan is a genius, just like Rob Zombie or lets say Adam Rich. I would be an idiot to not consider that part. But then again I was in "Children of the Corn III", "Trail and Error", "Mighty Joe Young", "The Astronauts Wife", "Reindeer Games", "The Yards", "The Legend of Bagger Vance", "Sweet November", "Trapped", a bunch of other crap, and "Eon Flux". So I don't know."
Several annoying actresses, including Megan Fox, Angelina Jolie and Ashley Judd, have been tipped to step into the famous catsuit, although Hollywood bosses, who are mostly just family members of previously famous people, have announced there isn't even a script in the works for the superhero sequel yet but the movie is done and ready to hit theaters tomorrow. Hollywood boss #43 said, "We need a script?".
But Theron insists she'd love the chance to transform into the feline femme fatale or just transform into a "Transformer" because she said, "That would be so cool.". She is offering her name up for casting directors and having her actor boyfriend, turned bad director, Stuart Townsend drive her to all casting director offices. He will then dust and clean her stacks of thousand dollar bills and wait for his weekly allowance.
She says, "I think what has happened to that franchise is amazing, like the cure for Polio or like the first moon landing. Seriously, (Batman filmmaker) Chris Nolan is a genius, just like Rob Zombie or lets say Adam Rich. I would be an idiot to not consider that part. But then again I was in "Children of the Corn III", "Trail and Error", "Mighty Joe Young", "The Astronauts Wife", "Reindeer Games", "The Yards", "The Legend of Bagger Vance", "Sweet November", "Trapped", a bunch of other crap, and "Eon Flux". So I don't know."
Thursday, September 17, 2009
30 Days Can Fix Anything in Hollywood
Carpet cranium icon Burt Reynolds has been discharged from a drug rehabilitation centre following treatment for his addiction to painkillers and rug cleaner.
The faded 73-year-old actor was admitted to the Hanley Center in Florida last month after a nasty fall from stardom and at his waterfront mansion in Hobe Sound led him to realize he'd become "a prisoner of prescription pain pills and Reslove carpet cleaner".
According to the fake magazine National Enquirer, the "Stroker Ace" star agreed to undergo a mustache trimming and a 30-day rehab programme after doctors raised fears for his mental health in the aftermath of the accident and his role as Boss Hogg in the "Dukes of Hazzard" movie.
The actor has previously confessed to a reliance on face work and sleeping aid Halcion after turning to the drug to ease the terrible pain he felt from living with Loni Anderson and temporomandibular joint disorder (TMJ) in the 1980s.
Reynolds' manager, Erik Kritzer, confirmed the rehab stint, insisting the star relapsed after watching "Cop and 1/2" and undergoing painful surgery on his back and "checked himself into rehab in order to regain control of his life."
Kritzer also revealed Reynolds has now left the facility, but no further details were given. Dear friend, Charles Nelson Reilly, could not be reached for comment because he is dead.
The faded 73-year-old actor was admitted to the Hanley Center in Florida last month after a nasty fall from stardom and at his waterfront mansion in Hobe Sound led him to realize he'd become "a prisoner of prescription pain pills and Reslove carpet cleaner".
According to the fake magazine National Enquirer, the "Stroker Ace" star agreed to undergo a mustache trimming and a 30-day rehab programme after doctors raised fears for his mental health in the aftermath of the accident and his role as Boss Hogg in the "Dukes of Hazzard" movie.
The actor has previously confessed to a reliance on face work and sleeping aid Halcion after turning to the drug to ease the terrible pain he felt from living with Loni Anderson and temporomandibular joint disorder (TMJ) in the 1980s.
Reynolds' manager, Erik Kritzer, confirmed the rehab stint, insisting the star relapsed after watching "Cop and 1/2" and undergoing painful surgery on his back and "checked himself into rehab in order to regain control of his life."
Kritzer also revealed Reynolds has now left the facility, but no further details were given. Dear friend, Charles Nelson Reilly, could not be reached for comment because he is dead.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Carrey and McCarthy Sitting in a Tree....
Way past his prime Jim Carrey and longtime talentless girlfriend Jenny McCarthy have pledged their dedication to one another in a special commitment ceremony in Malibu, California, in hopes to keep their names in the media.
The "Once Bitten" star, 47, has been dating nude model-turned-bad actress McCarthy since 2005, which is just around the time Carrey's star status started to fall. But the couple has celebrated their love by promising to be together forever in a small, intimate ceremony in front of friends and family earlier this month. A guest at the ceremony said, "I have absolutely no idea what is going on here. I think he gave her a promise ring. A promise ring. Really? Come on now."
A source tells the absolutely useless National Enquirer, "The vows basically said that they would 'be forever in love' with one another and that they would always be together." In a continued attempt to act like they are still in high school, after the ceremony Carrey proceeded to finger bang McCarthy in the back of his car in the parking lot while she gave him a handy.
Sources say, "For the two of them, it was as good as a marriage ceremony. Except it's not."
The stars then jetted off to Las Vegas for a mini honeymoon-style holiday: They stayed at the Fantasy Tower in a luxury Sky Villa suite. Which was surely paid for by McCarthy from her stunning performance in "Witless Protection".
Carrey, who has previously been wed twice, has previously dismissed the idea of making McCarthy his wife, insisting marriage would spoil their close bond and his bank account.
An insider added, "He insists that he and Jenny are incredibly medicated and they don't want to jinx things by tying the knot. Jim says he doesn't need a legal ceremony or a piece of paper and Jenny feels the same. That is until she wants kids with him or he needs someone legally obligated to take care of him after his final mental breakdown."
The couple recently revealed there would be new additions to the family - they are formally adopting Emanuelle Lewis and one of the dogs that was in "Air Bud".
McCarthy, 36, has a seven-year-old son, Evan, from her previous relationship with the guy who played Gary Wallace on "Weird Science" the TV show.
The "Once Bitten" star, 47, has been dating nude model-turned-bad actress McCarthy since 2005, which is just around the time Carrey's star status started to fall. But the couple has celebrated their love by promising to be together forever in a small, intimate ceremony in front of friends and family earlier this month. A guest at the ceremony said, "I have absolutely no idea what is going on here. I think he gave her a promise ring. A promise ring. Really? Come on now."
A source tells the absolutely useless National Enquirer, "The vows basically said that they would 'be forever in love' with one another and that they would always be together." In a continued attempt to act like they are still in high school, after the ceremony Carrey proceeded to finger bang McCarthy in the back of his car in the parking lot while she gave him a handy.
Sources say, "For the two of them, it was as good as a marriage ceremony. Except it's not."
The stars then jetted off to Las Vegas for a mini honeymoon-style holiday: They stayed at the Fantasy Tower in a luxury Sky Villa suite. Which was surely paid for by McCarthy from her stunning performance in "Witless Protection".
Carrey, who has previously been wed twice, has previously dismissed the idea of making McCarthy his wife, insisting marriage would spoil their close bond and his bank account.
An insider added, "He insists that he and Jenny are incredibly medicated and they don't want to jinx things by tying the knot. Jim says he doesn't need a legal ceremony or a piece of paper and Jenny feels the same. That is until she wants kids with him or he needs someone legally obligated to take care of him after his final mental breakdown."
The couple recently revealed there would be new additions to the family - they are formally adopting Emanuelle Lewis and one of the dogs that was in "Air Bud".
McCarthy, 36, has a seven-year-old son, Evan, from her previous relationship with the guy who played Gary Wallace on "Weird Science" the TV show.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
"The Simple Life"- Starring Whitney Houston?
Whitney "We have a problem" Houston gave up a dream as a fruit drinks seller in paradise to make a musical comeback. Was this an actual dream or just a hallucination from another massive coke binge? We'll never know but...
In an exclusively boring TV interview with Oprah Winfrey, the crazy singer says, “Yep, a fruit stand and selling some fruit drinks to some people… Me and my daughter living on an island with a beach. I wouldn't want to live on an island without a beach unless that island possessed a real cool picture of a beach... Yes indeed, living the simple life with lots and lots of money and coke. You know, the simple life."
Whitney babbled on, “You’ve gotta understand I had been all around the the world or at least I think I have…I can't remember. Anyway, I had done it all at that point in time. Even my ground bending role as Rita on 'Gimme a Break'. I mean how can you top that? However, I wasn’t remembering the gift that God had given me. The gift of doing very large amounts of crack cocaine. But I'll tell ya...crack is whack!! I forgot I had a voice. I had totally kinda put that aside…”
And it took a powerful men to convince her otherwise. Whitney’s music mentor Bruce Willis and American record producer Clive Davis were having none of it, urging her to give up her Del Monte dreams – and get back to work.
So our Whitney got back into the studio with the best auto voice tuner technology available and she’s back with a fantastic new hit album, which stormed to the top of the U.S. charts last week. In related news, Bobby Brown stormed the top of the U.S Capital Building because he once saw it in a picture and said, "I got get me some of that!"
In an exclusively boring TV interview with Oprah Winfrey, the crazy singer says, “Yep, a fruit stand and selling some fruit drinks to some people… Me and my daughter living on an island with a beach. I wouldn't want to live on an island without a beach unless that island possessed a real cool picture of a beach... Yes indeed, living the simple life with lots and lots of money and coke. You know, the simple life."
Whitney babbled on, “You’ve gotta understand I had been all around the the world or at least I think I have…I can't remember. Anyway, I had done it all at that point in time. Even my ground bending role as Rita on 'Gimme a Break'. I mean how can you top that? However, I wasn’t remembering the gift that God had given me. The gift of doing very large amounts of crack cocaine. But I'll tell ya...crack is whack!! I forgot I had a voice. I had totally kinda put that aside…”
And it took a powerful men to convince her otherwise. Whitney’s music mentor Bruce Willis and American record producer Clive Davis were having none of it, urging her to give up her Del Monte dreams – and get back to work.
So our Whitney got back into the studio with the best auto voice tuner technology available and she’s back with a fantastic new hit album, which stormed to the top of the U.S. charts last week. In related news, Bobby Brown stormed the top of the U.S Capital Building because he once saw it in a picture and said, "I got get me some of that!"
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Katherine and Josh order some take-out
Katherine Heigl has confirmed reports she and husband Josh Kelley's perfectly waxed eyebrows are to adopt – and the actress has shown her caring side by not beating the hell out of the production assistants on the Grey's Anatomy set and by revealing the Korean baby has special needs. Just like Josh Kelley's five-o'clock shadow. Josh Kelley is currently writing a pussy rock opera about it. It will be available for free download on his Friendster page.
The couple began the process six months ago but have yet to meet little Naleigh – who has been named after the actress’ mother, Nancy, and sister, Leigh. When asked why they didn't name the child after any of the woman on Josh's side of the family Heigl said, "Josh who?".
The super B-level couple have already headed off any accusations Heigl has taken the easy route to parenthood. In a statement released by Josh Kelley's five-o'clock shadow it said, "Katherine and Josh have not shared a bed since they hooked up on the set of Josh's video that no one saw. Katherine is busy with bad movies and Josh needs to constantly maintain me with various electric shavers and oils. So adopting an Asian baby with special needs just made sense."
Heigl went on to say, “They sent us a picture. They told us that it was a little girl and who she was and the information about six months ago. Six months after that we realized that the picture was actually a baseball card of Steve Garvey. We then received the correct picture. She looked so beautiful on her Hoveround Scooter. She is a special needs baby and because of that it all moved so much faster. They wanted to get her to us as quickly as possible. And with the Hoveround Scooter it was not a problem at all. Have you seen those things? They are sneaky fast!”
The couple began the process six months ago but have yet to meet little Naleigh – who has been named after the actress’ mother, Nancy, and sister, Leigh. When asked why they didn't name the child after any of the woman on Josh's side of the family Heigl said, "Josh who?".
The super B-level couple have already headed off any accusations Heigl has taken the easy route to parenthood. In a statement released by Josh Kelley's five-o'clock shadow it said, "Katherine and Josh have not shared a bed since they hooked up on the set of Josh's video that no one saw. Katherine is busy with bad movies and Josh needs to constantly maintain me with various electric shavers and oils. So adopting an Asian baby with special needs just made sense."
Heigl went on to say, “They sent us a picture. They told us that it was a little girl and who she was and the information about six months ago. Six months after that we realized that the picture was actually a baseball card of Steve Garvey. We then received the correct picture. She looked so beautiful on her Hoveround Scooter. She is a special needs baby and because of that it all moved so much faster. They wanted to get her to us as quickly as possible. And with the Hoveround Scooter it was not a problem at all. Have you seen those things? They are sneaky fast!”
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