Lilo and Glitch...in my musak career?

Hollywood senior citizen Lindsay Lohan is adamant she hasn't given up on finding a retirement home or on her music career - following reports she had been dumped by her record label. This came in just after her record label released the statement, "We are no longer Lindsay Lohan's record label. Thank you." They continued to say, "Although Lindsay Lohan is not on our label anymore please continue to support our artist roster. Next week we are releasing an album by Ali Lohan. Again, thank you."

Lindsay Lohan, who has released two albums from her hand and into the garbage, was working on her third record, tentatively titled "Spirit in the Dark with Gross Freckles All Over", when she realized the record button on her tape recorder was not properly pressed down with the play button. So instead she just submitted a tape of Dionne Warwick's Greatest Hits and called it her demo tape. Done.

But after releasing promotional single "Bossy" last May work on the new record stalled along with her ability to take showers. The "Labor Pains" star reportedly found it difficult to juggle her non-existent acting career, her work as a highly contrived recording artist and aging faster than a new born Benjamin Button.

New reports this week suggest Lohan's career was doomed from the moment she started dating Wilmer Valderrama. Wilmer was quoted saying, "Anything I touch is doomed. I mean just look at me. When your career is based on the hopes of landing the role to play Officer Francis Llewellyn 'Ponch' Poncherello in the movie version of 'CHiPs, you are screwed." There are also reports Lindsay has been dropped by bosses at her Casablanca record label.

But a spokesperson for the actress has called the rumours "...like totally not true but mostly true...whatev", telling pathetic GossipCop.com Lohan still has a contract with the company.

Tyra Tyra Tyra Tyra Tyra Tyra Tyra and Tyra

Tyra Banks is catching up on not talking about herself due to a two hour nap. She is also trying to catch up with her idol Oprah Winfrey in the fortune stakes - she's topped a Forbes list of the highest earning women who think nothing but themselves while talking about nothing but themselves and making the occasional tax write off charity donations on prime time U.S. TV.

The supermodel-turned-bad actress-turned megalomaniac chat show host is leading the way with her earnings in the last year, pulling in $30 million for America's Next Top Model, as well as her completely useless daytime talk show.

Runner-up Katherine Heigl raked in $18 million for her role in Grey's Anatomy and her embarrassingly bad film projects, while CSI: Crime Scene Investigation actress Marg Helgenberger is in third with $9.5 million in earnings.

Forbes' full prime time Top Bottom earners list is as follows:
1) Shelly Long - $0 & a pack of gum
2) Meredith Baxter Bernie - $2 & a copy of Michael J. Fox's new book
3) Nicole Eggert - $3 that she found in pay phone coin return slots
4) Jodie Sweetin - $4.50 from washing Stamos' cars
5) Markie Post- $7 & a video tape of Harry Anderson doing magic
6) Soleil Moon Frye - $7.50 from a returned blouse from Old Navy
7) Erin Gray - $9 from selling her hot Battle Star Galatica suit
8) Lisa Bonet - $9.25 from braiding people's hair
9) Joyce Dewitt - $9.75 in change from her twenty dollar bill from buying Keystone Ice
10) Jim J. Bullock - $10 & a autographed picture of Ted Knight

Glamour of the Living Dead

Dynasty corpse Joan Collins is fronting a new TV special as part of her personal mission to revive her beating heart and style in Britain.

The extremely old make up concealed actress is appalled with the current state of fashion in the U.K. and is hosting a one-off show called, Joan The Unliving Dead Does Glamour, in which she helps three living women learn to dress stylishly.

She tells Britain's horrible Hello! magazine, "Some of the women's brains in Britain look great, and some of them look frightful. I wouldn't be caught un-dead eating their brains to stay alive. There are also so many fashion crimes. I think people have become sloppy. And it's not just down to money. I mean monetary units weren't even invented until I was 23 years old and I looked great. Some of the worst-dressed women I know buy dresses that cost £3,000 and they look horrible."

But Collins doesn't blame her 5 husbands or makeover victims for their fashion crimes and tasty brains, insisting it's the designers who are pushing unacceptable "grungy" looks.

She adds, "Number one is the designers. Number two is my sister Jackie Collins. I mean she is just as bad of a writer as I am an actress. Come on people! Most clothes that I saw during London's Fashion Week are emperor's new clothes. And, I thought... unwearable! Then I thought...I want to eat some brains to stay alive! I used to go to Saks Fifth Avenue and Neiman Marcus in Hollywood when I had acting jobs and there was a fantastic selection of clothes. But there isn't any more because I am old and unimportant. Magazines are pushing this grungy look of not caring. Women have become lost. Which I am slightly grateful for because I then can trap them and eat their brains to stay alive. They also don't know what to wear and don't want to spend too much money!"

Collins' programme airs in the U.K. on October 13 and is canceled soon after that .