I know John McEnroe, and sir you are no John McEnroe

Aging tennis player who looks like he is from the future, Andre Agassi, has opened up about his failed marriage to actress/model/emotion wreck/pharmaceutical magnet Brooke Shields a decade after their divorce - insisting the pair should never have wed. He says, "I can't believe 'Suddenly Susan' lasted longer than our marriage! I mean I know people laughed at our marriage but who laughed at that show!"

Agassi confesses they were a terrible match which ended Love-Love, but the love is not lost. Although he blames himself for the ill-fated union - which ended in divorce in 1999 - he says Shields was equally to blame, which ended this love 'mis'-match in a big old deuce. A hot steaming deuce. Agassi continues to claim he clung to Shields in a desperate bid to find happiness and his wig during an emotional meltdown.

He explains, "I was a viciously balding 27 year old, ranked 141 in the world and in a marriage that I shouldn't be in... I didn't want to be playing tennis either so my life was filled with things I didn't want such as the Canon Rebel Camera. Part of it was an inability to find a place for all these cameras or for anything really. I was never paid to be the spokesperson for the Canon Rebel Camera. They just gave me free cameras! Sure they came in handy when chronicling my rapidly balding head so I can show my doctor my hair loss progress but other than that those cameras just took up space."

Agassi continued to say, "Why they picked me to be the 'rebel' spokesperson for their camera is beyond me. I mean I was wearing a wig! Is that being a rebel? I guess it might be. I mean my wig was made up of dead baby seal fur...so I guess that's kind of rebellious. Right?"

Agassi married fellow tennis champion and man look a like Steffi Graf in October 2001. They share an eight-year-old son, Jaden Gil, and a six-year-old daughter, Jaz Elle. They named their kids those names in hopes that they might become strippers and they don't have to go through the hassle of having a 'stage name'.

The revelations in Agassi's new memoir "Open", in which he also admits to taking crystal methamphetamine and deliberately throwing lit matches at tennis matches in hopes to see the irony.