The Penn is mightier than...Mother Nature?

Sean Penn is calling on Mother Nature for more natural disasters. In a continuous effort, the hideous Penn wants to take his fictitious big screen personas and put them in real life situations on the small screen. Penn said, "I know the truth behind Mother Nature and I won't rest until she's exposed. We all know she's a right wing bible thumping racist and she's in bed with all the lobbyists." Penn is also demanding better medical supplies at hospitals in Haiti to help the earthquake-ravaged nation cope with the upcoming hurricane season next month.

The "Shanghai Surprise" star has been instrumental in annoying more people off screen than entertaining them on screen. He wants to ensure that many of the devastated nation's people receive aid and his formula hair dye following the tremor which killed hundreds of thousands of citizens in January.

Penn missed the unveiling of his new movie "Fair Game", a remake of the brilliant film starring William Baldwin and Cindy Crawford, at the Cannes Film Festival in France on Thursday to testify at a U.S. Senate committee about the problems in the country.

During the meeting on Wednesday, Penn smoked cigarettes and insisted health care in Haiti needs "immediate attention" and that "Fair Game with William Baldwin and Cindy Crawford was a damn good movie and the story needed to be told again". Penn then continued to be mad for no reason what so ever and then said that several hospitals have been closed down - and he fears the nation will be overrun with emergencies once hurricane season begins and he won't be able to fight the hurricanes himself. He then pleaded with congress to pass the Anti-Mother Nature Bill, which he created, so we can expose the hidden agenda of "Ms. Mother Nature".

He adds, "In many cases, the bureaucracy of international aid is protecting people to death. I come here today as a highly paid movie actor that pretends in front of a camera in the hope that we will address with bold clarity the razor's edge upon which Haiti lies." Penn continued to say, "I also think I might want to remake the classic Bill Murray film 'The Razor's Edge'....It just needs to be told again."

In Living Carrey

Jim Carrey is putting his split from Prozac and Zoloft, as well as from Jenny McCarthy behind him-- literally. He was spotted putting the pills and a picture of McCarthy in his back pocket when enjoying a night out with a mystery blond in New York over the weekend.

The extremely annoying couple, who had been together for five years too long and had an embarrassing commitment ceremony last year, announced they were parting ways via their Twitter.com pages, which shows how important the relationship actually was. The reason they used Twitter to announce this earth shattering news was because it cuts down on the pointless cost of having a publicist make the announcement. Carrey's tweet said, "Jen and I have broken up." His next tweet read, "What's with the express lane at supermarkets?" Sources close to Carrey say he is truly broken up about the stupid relationship.

But it seems Carrey, his fifth, tenth and twenty third personality are moving on from the break-up - the funnyman was reportedly seen flirting with an unknown woman at the city's Pacha hotspot in the early hours of Sunday morning. The woman turned out to be Jim Carrey himself. An on-looker said, "He is just so talented. I mean the guy was flirting and trying to get it on with himself. He's just so versatile. The way he went from being a man to an attractive woman is just so..... I mean the guy can do anything!"

A source tells the overrated New York Post gossip column Page Six, "He arrived at 3am with an entourage of at least 10 women, two of the women were actually Carrey himself! Once in the VIP area, he turned his attention to a pretty blond, who looked a lot like Jenny and talked endlessly about autistic kids."

"Things were getting so hot and heavy, someone shouted, 'Get a room.' Jim just burst out laughing and started doing impressions of himself. He then recreated a scene from the film 'The Majestic' where he played both himself and Martin Landau. How he was able to recreate Martin Landau's wig is beyond me. I mean the guy is just so amazingly talented!"

Money for nothing and Baldwin for free: Baldwin in Dire Straits

A Christian group with nothing else to do has come to save the world and to the aid of bankrupt actor Stephen Baldwin - a website has been set up to allow fans to donate objects made out of money but not actually money itself. Baldwin says, "A chair made out of nickels and dimes? What the hell am I supposed to do with this?".

The born-again Christian filed for bankruptcy last year after he racked up more than $2.3 million worth of debt, stemming from several mortgages, tax bills, credit card accounts and the monstrous cost of rebuilding and replicating the set from "Bio-Dome" in his backyard. Baldwin had to shut down the rebuilding of the "Bio-Dome" set and had to send the the construction crew home. Pauly Shore is now currently looking for work.

Now a new website, Restorestephenbaldwin.org, was originally called Helpthegoofiestlookingbaldwin.org but was changed because William Baldwin's fan club website already had the name. The site was set up with permission from Daniel Southern who is the President of Baldwin's ministries and also happens to be his agent, dry cleaner, dog walker and hair stylist.

A statement from the website states, "He has been publicly ridiculed and insulted by people who think that he is a bad actor, which is quite frankly true, and that he has been abandoned by God. A simple search through the internet will reveal that people not only mock Stephen, but mock God. That simple search can also produce pictures of Stephen with God at a baseball game and a craft show." The site continues to say, "Our vision is to see Stephen Baldwin play Barney Rubble again in a new Flintstones movie."

In a last ditch attempt to avoid bankruptcy, Stephen Baldwin asked his brother, Alec, to eat up his debt. Alec said, "If you put gravy on it, I'll give it a go."

Kids in the Gyllenhaal

Overrated hambone Jake Gyllenhaal re-evaluated his blessed life following the icebox cover-up relationship with Kirsten Dunst and the death of fellow pretender in front of a camera, Heath Ledger - because the star realized he had become too focused on his abs and his career.

The lifeless actor was devastated when he found out the only reason he got acting jobs was because of his show business parents and when his "Brokeback Mountain" co-star died from an accidental drug overdose in January 2008.

The loss prompted Gyllenhaal to address his own mind bending issues - and he credits Ledger's passing with giving him the courage to make real changes. Gyllenhaal says, "Thank god that dude died. If he didn't die then I would would have continued to churn out vapid performances in movies that make no money. Well, I've actually continued to do that but if it wasn't for that guy dropping dead then I would have never thought about changing at some point down the road in the very far off future. I am so happy that guy died."

He tells the dormant GQ magazine, "Life, I didn't totally understand. And I think I was afraid of life. And I had success in my work, enough success that you could keep going back there.
But after that guy I did a movie with who stopped breathing... I think I recognized that it was work. And I recognized that this is for real." The editors at GQ magazine still don't know what Gyllenhaal was talking about. They replayed this quote over and over again to decipher the brainless words that exited his mouth. The quote was then sent to the Guinness Book of World Records for examination. After months of examination were complete, The Guinness Book of World Records has now officially labeled Gyllenhaal's quote as "The Stupidest Thing Ever Said".

Kirstie can only fit in a Alley

Xenu worshipping actress Kirstie Alley refuses to go under the knife to preserve her looks; instead she has opted to be cryogentically frozen in butter when she dies because she is convinced her wrinkles will help her land more movie roles and rolls.


The former "Madhouse" star, 59, insists she is content with her fleshy features and would never consider eating less than 22 meals a day and undergoing plastic surgery, especially as more and more actresses turn to the surgeon's knife to stay young in the industry. Kirstie says, "The only thing I will let a surgeon cut for me is my Wendy's Triple Stack."


She says, "I'm not a surgery girl, I'm a hungry girl and I haven't had plastic surgery but I have eaten plastic that required surgery to remove from my stomach. I don't wanna have plastic surgery but it's hard when you see your peers and things and they have. I go back-fat and forth and think, 'Who's gonna play grandmothers in movies?' Well that's easy, people like Shirley McClaine or Helen Mirren can. The real question is, 'Who's gonna play really fat grandmothers in movies?' You gotta be 100 to be a grandmother in a movie but you gotta be 350 pounds to be a fat grandmother! So maybe it just gives our group (actresses without surgery and huge amounts of blubber) more longevity to be filming." Kirstie is now working on a sequel to her 1984 film "Runaway". The film is tentatively called "Rollaway".

I Grant Thee...Naughty

British, or should I say "brutish",actor Hugh Grant ended a glitzy glamours party in fancy London with a delightfully dainty food fight after allegedly becoming embroiled in a delicate fragile fuss with his former PR manager.

The tender star was attending an all night tea party at the exclusive nightspot Annabel's on Wednesday night when his former representative, PR guru Matthew Freud, overheard the one note actor allegedly making a disparaging comment about his cuff links and how they were "so last year" and that "the color combination on the cuff links is just a bloody no-no."

Freud reportedly retaliated by tossing a delightful chocolate cup cake at Grant, smearing the sweet treat all over the star's white Gucci shirt, according to unheard of Britain's Evening Standard newspaper. Freud did aimed for the shirt intentionally because he knows Grant hates dry cleaning white shirts on the weekend. Freud was over heard saying, "Hugh thinks doing laundry is gross. That will teach him!"

Grant then feebly tossed a drink like a little girl in his former associate's direction, but missed. Grant was quoted saying, "Matthew was lucky that drink missed him. I was using my strong arm. How's my hair look?"

Freud is said to have left the party in a big huff with his arms crossed sporting a big frown, while Grant was given a clean shirt to change into by venue staff and carried on with the festivities, partying with stars including Garrett Morris, Alf and Pauly Shore.

Great in the Cu-sack

In world stopping news-the pretentious John Cusack is said to be using the Sherwin Williams Color Visualizer to perfect the best black paint to dye his hair transplants and to be dating Bruce Willis' former fiancee, "Baywatch" non-star Brooke Burns. This is a slap on the bald head to Bruce Willis, say friends of the faded movie star. "Not only is John Cusak dating his old fiancee but he is dyeing fake hair that Bruce wish he had."

The "Hot Pursuit" actor has been romancing the 31-year-old beauty since the beginning of the year, reports the completely useless Life & Style magazine. The magazine poses the question, "Why would John Cusack have to 'romance' Brooke Burns?" I mean Peter O'Toole could land this chick just by buying her a Happy Meal from McDonalds.

A groundless source tells the publication, “They’ve been going out seriously for more than a month; they're way past second base. She’s super sweet and definitely has a type - she dates older men with a ton of money and have major hair issues.”

The 43-year-old actor has never smiled in public or wed, while Burns was previously married to "Nip/Tuck" star Julian McMahon and his waxed eyebrows, the father of her nine-year-old daughter. After their 2001 divorce, she set her sights on old men looking for a good time. She was then engaged to Willis, but the pair called off the engagement in 2004.

John Cusack released a rare statement about the relationship. He said, "This relationship won't last past 2012. Not only will the world end but so will this relationship." It has been reported that Cusack's agent has tried time and time again to explain to the actor that "2012" was a movie he acted in and not real life.