Lilo and Glitch...in my musak career?

Hollywood senior citizen Lindsay Lohan is adamant she hasn't given up on finding a retirement home or on her music career - following reports she had been dumped by her record label. This came in just after her record label released the statement, "We are no longer Lindsay Lohan's record label. Thank you." They continued to say, "Although Lindsay Lohan is not on our label anymore please continue to support our artist roster. Next week we are releasing an album by Ali Lohan. Again, thank you."

Lindsay Lohan, who has released two albums from her hand and into the garbage, was working on her third record, tentatively titled "Spirit in the Dark with Gross Freckles All Over", when she realized the record button on her tape recorder was not properly pressed down with the play button. So instead she just submitted a tape of Dionne Warwick's Greatest Hits and called it her demo tape. Done.

But after releasing promotional single "Bossy" last May work on the new record stalled along with her ability to take showers. The "Labor Pains" star reportedly found it difficult to juggle her non-existent acting career, her work as a highly contrived recording artist and aging faster than a new born Benjamin Button.

New reports this week suggest Lohan's career was doomed from the moment she started dating Wilmer Valderrama. Wilmer was quoted saying, "Anything I touch is doomed. I mean just look at me. When your career is based on the hopes of landing the role to play Officer Francis Llewellyn 'Ponch' Poncherello in the movie version of 'CHiPs, you are screwed." There are also reports Lindsay has been dropped by bosses at her Casablanca record label.

But a spokesperson for the actress has called the rumours "...like totally not true but mostly true...whatev", telling pathetic GossipCop.com Lohan still has a contract with the company.

Tyra Tyra Tyra Tyra Tyra Tyra Tyra and Tyra

Tyra Banks is catching up on not talking about herself due to a two hour nap. She is also trying to catch up with her idol Oprah Winfrey in the fortune stakes - she's topped a Forbes list of the highest earning women who think nothing but themselves while talking about nothing but themselves and making the occasional tax write off charity donations on prime time U.S. TV.

The supermodel-turned-bad actress-turned megalomaniac chat show host is leading the way with her earnings in the last year, pulling in $30 million for America's Next Top Model, as well as her completely useless daytime talk show.

Runner-up Katherine Heigl raked in $18 million for her role in Grey's Anatomy and her embarrassingly bad film projects, while CSI: Crime Scene Investigation actress Marg Helgenberger is in third with $9.5 million in earnings.

Forbes' full prime time Top Bottom earners list is as follows:
1) Shelly Long - $0 & a pack of gum
2) Meredith Baxter Bernie - $2 & a copy of Michael J. Fox's new book
3) Nicole Eggert - $3 that she found in pay phone coin return slots
4) Jodie Sweetin - $4.50 from washing Stamos' cars
5) Markie Post- $7 & a video tape of Harry Anderson doing magic
6) Soleil Moon Frye - $7.50 from a returned blouse from Old Navy
7) Erin Gray - $9 from selling her hot Battle Star Galatica suit
8) Lisa Bonet - $9.25 from braiding people's hair
9) Joyce Dewitt - $9.75 in change from her twenty dollar bill from buying Keystone Ice
10) Jim J. Bullock - $10 & a autographed picture of Ted Knight

Glamour of the Living Dead

Dynasty corpse Joan Collins is fronting a new TV special as part of her personal mission to revive her beating heart and style in Britain.

The extremely old make up concealed actress is appalled with the current state of fashion in the U.K. and is hosting a one-off show called, Joan The Unliving Dead Does Glamour, in which she helps three living women learn to dress stylishly.

She tells Britain's horrible Hello! magazine, "Some of the women's brains in Britain look great, and some of them look frightful. I wouldn't be caught un-dead eating their brains to stay alive. There are also so many fashion crimes. I think people have become sloppy. And it's not just down to money. I mean monetary units weren't even invented until I was 23 years old and I looked great. Some of the worst-dressed women I know buy dresses that cost £3,000 and they look horrible."

But Collins doesn't blame her 5 husbands or makeover victims for their fashion crimes and tasty brains, insisting it's the designers who are pushing unacceptable "grungy" looks.

She adds, "Number one is the designers. Number two is my sister Jackie Collins. I mean she is just as bad of a writer as I am an actress. Come on people! Most clothes that I saw during London's Fashion Week are emperor's new clothes. And, I thought... unwearable! Then I thought...I want to eat some brains to stay alive! I used to go to Saks Fifth Avenue and Neiman Marcus in Hollywood when I had acting jobs and there was a fantastic selection of clothes. But there isn't any more because I am old and unimportant. Magazines are pushing this grungy look of not caring. Women have become lost. Which I am slightly grateful for because I then can trap them and eat their brains to stay alive. They also don't know what to wear and don't want to spend too much money!"

Collins' programme airs in the U.K. on October 13 and is canceled soon after that .

Rebecca Romijn Stamos O'Connell Romijn Ect...

Rebecca Romijn Stamos O'Connell Romijn is relishing her last names and the break she gets from her twin babies on the set of her new soon to be failed TV show "Eastwick" - because they took her "for granted" when she was a stay at home mum with a nanny. She said, "Those new borns had no idea what my nanny did for them. I mean the nanny fed them, cleaned them and held them. I bet they think that's normal. They probably think every new born that can't walk or speak yet has a nanny that will do that stuff for them. Just them wait until my nanny is not doing that anymore for them! I say 6 months of that is too much and they can fend for themselves!" Rebecca Romijn Stamos O'Connell Romijn then continued to build a play fort for her twins out of the "Roller Ball", "Femme Fatale", "The Punisher", "God Send" and "Pepper Dennis" scripts.

After nursing Dolly and Charlie for six months, Romijn swapped places with her completely emasculated husband Jerry O'Connell so she could return to work on the new horrible witch-themed drama. The TV show is so bad that Jack Nicholson is taking the film "Witches of Eastwick" off his filmography. Jack said, "The thought of Rebecca Romijn Stamos O'Connell Romijn acting in a TV show that has the partial name of one of my movies from 25 years ago is enough for me to believe that movie never existed."

"And her relationship with her babies is better than ever!" Says the out of work ex-bachelor Charlie O'Connell.

The actress tells the hitless website Starpulse.com, "My nanny was with them right up until they were six months which is when we started shooting, and I felt like they kind of took my nanny for granted a little bit, like Jerry'd walk in, or was it Charlie? I can't tell them apart! Anyways, Jerry or Charlie would walk in and they'd be like, 'Ahhh.' But then they never even noticed that it was my nanny with them the whole time. My nanny was a milk machine. I felt like that's all she was to them, just this walking milk machine." The out of work Charlie O'Connell says, "The kids' first words were actually, "You are a stupid model mommy. You can't act. Charlie O'Connell's work in the TV show 'Sliders' was great!" Charlie O'Connell continued, "Well, I actually made the last part up but the first part is true."

Romijn Stamos O'Connell Romijn continued saying, "How in the world do I keep getting acting jobs? But none the less, now that I'm not there as many hours during the day, they're pretty clingy and I have to say I love it. It's the best feeling in the world to be wanted, especially for bad movies and TV shows."

Fancy Feast of Money

Box office poison Charlize Theron is ready to sink her claws into another way too long for its own good "Batman" movie - she's desperate to take on the role of Catwoman and be in her first hit movie in years. Charlize says, "I guess having an Oscar doesn't mean that much."

Several annoying actresses, including Megan Fox, Angelina Jolie and Ashley Judd, have been tipped to step into the famous catsuit, although Hollywood bosses, who are mostly just family members of previously famous people, have announced there isn't even a script in the works for the superhero sequel yet but the movie is done and ready to hit theaters tomorrow. Hollywood boss #43 said, "We need a script?".

But Theron insists she'd love the chance to transform into the feline femme fatale or just transform into a "Transformer" because she said, "That would be so cool.". She is offering her name up for casting directors and having her actor boyfriend, turned bad director, Stuart Townsend drive her to all casting director offices. He will then dust and clean her stacks of thousand dollar bills and wait for his weekly allowance.

She says, "I think what has happened to that franchise is amazing, like the cure for Polio or like the first moon landing. Seriously, (Batman filmmaker) Chris Nolan is a genius, just like Rob Zombie or lets say Adam Rich. I would be an idiot to not consider that part. But then again I was in "Children of the Corn III", "Trail and Error", "Mighty Joe Young", "The Astronauts Wife", "Reindeer Games", "The Yards", "The Legend of Bagger Vance", "Sweet November", "Trapped", a bunch of other crap, and "Eon Flux". So I don't know."

30 Days Can Fix Anything in Hollywood

Carpet cranium icon Burt Reynolds has been discharged from a drug rehabilitation centre following treatment for his addiction to painkillers and rug cleaner.

The faded 73-year-old actor was admitted to the Hanley Center in Florida last month after a nasty fall from stardom and at his waterfront mansion in Hobe Sound led him to realize he'd become "a prisoner of prescription pain pills and Reslove carpet cleaner".

According to the fake magazine National Enquirer, the "Stroker Ace" star agreed to undergo a mustache trimming and a 30-day rehab programme after doctors raised fears for his mental health in the aftermath of the accident and his role as Boss Hogg in the "Dukes of Hazzard" movie.

The actor has previously confessed to a reliance on face work and sleeping aid Halcion after turning to the drug to ease the terrible pain he felt from living with Loni Anderson and temporomandibular joint disorder (TMJ) in the 1980s.

Reynolds' manager, Erik Kritzer, confirmed the rehab stint, insisting the star relapsed after watching "Cop and 1/2" and undergoing painful surgery on his back and "checked himself into rehab in order to regain control of his life."

Kritzer also revealed Reynolds has now left the facility, but no further details were given. Dear friend, Charles Nelson Reilly, could not be reached for comment because he is dead.

Carrey and McCarthy Sitting in a Tree....

Way past his prime Jim Carrey and longtime talentless girlfriend Jenny McCarthy have pledged their dedication to one another in a special commitment ceremony in Malibu, California, in hopes to keep their names in the media.

The "Once Bitten" star, 47, has been dating nude model-turned-bad actress McCarthy since 2005, which is just around the time Carrey's star status started to fall. But the couple has celebrated their love by promising to be together forever in a small, intimate ceremony in front of friends and family earlier this month. A guest at the ceremony said, "I have absolutely no idea what is going on here. I think he gave her a promise ring. A promise ring. Really? Come on now."

A source tells the absolutely useless National Enquirer, "The vows basically said that they would 'be forever in love' with one another and that they would always be together." In a continued attempt to act like they are still in high school, after the ceremony Carrey proceeded to finger bang McCarthy in the back of his car in the parking lot while she gave him a handy.

Sources say, "For the two of them, it was as good as a marriage ceremony. Except it's not."

The stars then jetted off to Las Vegas for a mini honeymoon-style holiday: They stayed at the Fantasy Tower in a luxury Sky Villa suite. Which was surely paid for by McCarthy from her stunning performance in "Witless Protection".

Carrey, who has previously been wed twice, has previously dismissed the idea of making McCarthy his wife, insisting marriage would spoil their close bond and his bank account.
An insider added, "He insists that he and Jenny are incredibly medicated and they don't want to jinx things by tying the knot. Jim says he doesn't need a legal ceremony or a piece of paper and Jenny feels the same. That is until she wants kids with him or he needs someone legally obligated to take care of him after his final mental breakdown."

The couple recently revealed there would be new additions to the family - they are formally adopting Emanuelle Lewis and one of the dogs that was in "Air Bud".
McCarthy, 36, has a seven-year-old son, Evan, from her previous relationship with the guy who played Gary Wallace on "Weird Science" the TV show.