Not BALD but can't WIN

Extremely bloated actor Alec Baldwin has posted an apology online, explaining that his horrible choice to be on a show with Tina Fey and his leaked answer machine rant was the result of being "driven to the edge" by his bitter custody battle with ex-wife Kim Basinger. The "Along Came Polly" star was reported to be taking legal action and eating mass quantities of Mac & Cheese on Saturday to find out who was responsible for the leaked three-minute recording to Tmz.com, in which he verbally chastised his 11-year-old daughter Ireland (which is her real name and not her soon to be porn name), and called Basinger "a thoughtless pain in the a*s." But in a posting on his official website, www.sweatyangrythickhairtalent.com, Baldwin blames the "Cool World" actress for "alienating" him from his parenting duties, which propelled him to lose his temper and force him and his brother Daniel to completely shut down every "all you can eat" Chinese buffets in Hollywood due to lack of food. He says, "Although I have been told by numerous people not to eat 64oz of beef and broccoli in one sitting and not to worry too much, as all parents lose their patience with their kids, I am most saddened that this was released to the media because of what it does to a child. I'm sorry, as everyone who knows me is aware, for losing my temper with my child and shutting down Wang's Golden China Buffet on Ventura Blvd. I have been driven to the edge by parental alienation for many years now... I am sorry for what happened. But I am equally sorry for remaking "The Getaway" and that a court order was violated, which had deliberately been put under seal in this case." Alec's family has stuck with him through this whole ordeal from the beginning. Stephen Baldwin has promised to pray for Alec, William Baldwin has promised to stop acting until the matter is resolved (thank god), and Daniel Baldwin has vowed to eat every box of Coco Puffs in the contiguous United States in protest to the leaked voice mail message.